relationship reality check

Do you know that feeling you get when you realize you love your boyfriend/girlfriend more than he/she loves you? Now, of course, it's hard to measure love, and maybe we shouldn't, but we do anyway. Maybe it's more accurate to say that he/she "is not in the same place emotionally" as we are. Well, I find myself sitting in that very spot since a talk with Rob last night. And I'm feeling a little lonely, disappointed, and embarrassed.

It's not the first time I've been here. There have been at least two times before when something he said made me realize that he just doesn't love me at the same level as I love him. In all fairness, there have been times when he was a lot more into our relationship than I was. And I suppose it made him feel slightly shitty too. Neither of us is on our way out, and it's nothing serious, but it just feels kind of unbalanced at the moment.

I don't want to bore you with the details of the conversation, I mostly wanted to acknowledge the feeling, and share my recognition of the kneejerk reaction that always seems to follow. (I sure gain a lot of insight about myself from my relationship with Rob. In the last 2+ years with him, I see myself going through similar cycles of emotion and thought over and over. I feel lucky to have such a safe environment in which to explore my feelings and reactions.)

I've observed that every time I feel hurt by something Rob says, or doesn't say, I go into self-protection mode. It's like an imaginary wall goes up. Not a brick wall, but a somewhat flexible and transparent wall. I feel like I need to pull back slightly from the relationship. Otherwise I feel too vulnerable. A part of me feels a little resentful too. Resentful that I have so much love for someone who doesn't want it all.

Eventually he breaks through my wall. But until that happens I believe our relationship is in somewhat dangerous territory. My mind will start to drift to Cam or to other guys I've been with who have qualities I admire. I desire Rob less, call and see him less, and I start to second guess our compatibility. I hate to admit it, but this is the nonsense I go through.

This can go on for a week or two. I may even shed a few tears in private, depending on what time of the month it is. Rob won't really know what's going on other than thinking I'm a little distant. Basically he figures he hasn't given me enough attention. So he brings it on full force. Usually he'll suck me in with his TLC or his blue eyes, or by walking around shirtless. As sexy as that can be, what I really crave are words. Words describing his intense love for me.

It seems the only time I get those words are when he feels like he is losing me. Isn't that a shame? Do I have to push things to that state in order to get a sincere expression of his love for me? Am I really expecting too much too soon, or is he just plain scared? I feel his fear and it fuels mine.