more tears for Maria

As you know, my relationship with 17-yr-old daughter Maria has been touch and go lately. Since my 13-yr-old daughter Christie had been subjected her dad's anger for the last time and decided to move in with me, Maria has spent more time at her dad's (Jeff, my ex). I thought she was doing it because she felt sorry for him (Christie having "abandoned" him), but she said no. Apparently it's because she thought that was a better environment for her since she gets along better with him than with me. I told her that I just want her to be happy, that I love her and I want to keep in touch with her.

I hadn't seen Maria in the past week, nor heard from her, so today at work I called her to see how she was doing and invite her to Easter brunch this weekend. She declined, then she told me she's living at her dad's permanently. I wasn't shocked at the news, I sort of felt it coming, but still it took something out of me.

Although I believe that some space between us is probably the right thing for now, still all I could feel was sadness, and failure. I cried on my drive home. As much as I reassured myself through logic, I felt the loss of my baby, the pain of being rejected by one of my children.

I will be all right. I even realize that I helped bring this on. And that there is opportunity here. But I can't stop thinking about the time that will pass, the things I will miss in her life. And I pray that this won't jam the wedge in even harder between us. I am hoping that time heals old wounds and allows new patterns to form in which we can appreciate each other in a new way, and come to some kind of understanding. And that she can love me again, and accept my love.