This morning I woke up feeling like I'd committed a crime. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so guilty had I not waken up next to my love. My love who stroked my hair until I drifted off to sleep last night, then held me in his arms all night long. Gulp.Where I usually tell Rob my dirty dreams, even when they're about another man, I could not even broach the subject today. Thank God he didn't ask.
I'd had a series of dreams where I was physically intimate with Lee...several times. It was a long, drawn out dream that had many scenes, sort of like a movie, leaving me wondering how long I spent dreaming about this man from my recent past.
I dreamt that for some reason Lee had to sleep in our house (Rob's and mine, though we don't really live together). I was sleeping on the couch (??) and Lee woke me up and started nuzzling me. Although I felt it was wrong at the time, I let it happen anyway. And before you know it Lee was on top of me, naked. Not long after that he was pumping me from behind. I loved it, just like I'd loved the real thing with Rob last night.
Then there was another scene where we were dressed, outside somewhere, and he was telling me what he was looking for in a woman/partner. He had listed a couple qualities, then I heard the words and someone to inspire me, challenge me which immediately brought tears to my eyes. I remember crying in my dream, and feeling like I'd found "the one". He responded with great concern, asking me why the tears.
I replied that that's what I'd been looking for myself.
So I realized this morning that it wasn't so much the physical intimacy I had with Lee that was bothering me. It was the emotional connection with another man that left me feeling like I totally betrayed Rob.
I think he'd be okay with the dream. But I wouldn't want to tell him it was Lee. That's still a little too raw.
2 comments:
First of all, you didn't cheat (I see the tags). :) Your dreams are your own dreams. Although some feel that there is logic and cause behind them, there is virtually no control that you have over your dream while you are having them (unless of course you are lucid dreaming, in which case your conscious mind is actually awake).
As a man, I would be bothered to hear that my partner was dreaming about being with another man emotionally; however, as a logical man I understand that there is no control over who is in your dreams.
Does he NEED to know? No, not at all. Should you voice your concern over the dreams you've been having and speak with him on an intimate level about the topic of the dreams? Not necessarily. Should you realize that the only reason that Lee was in your dream is because you at one time were very much connected with him and that's why he is stored in your cortex? Absolutely.
You found "the one" in your dream because YOU are your own "one"... No one ever realizes that. YOU are the only person who is just like you. The only person who is TRULY a perfect match... And that's why we should first fall in love with ourselves before we fall in love with others. We need to realize that we ARE both sides of the coin... We ARE both sides of a perfect match... The others we fall in love with are ADDITIONS to those things.
Take care,
B
Comments appreciated. I no longer feel "guilty" about that dream. I think I just awoke from it feeling strongly because it was so new.
Re: your comment about me being the perfect match for myself...do you really believe that would be true? Would you want to be with someone exactly like yourself? Not me!
Don't get me wrong. There are qualities about myself that I really like. But I crave certain qualities in others (wisdom, charisma, ambition, creativity). I realize we seek in others what we already have in ourselves, or so they say. But I certainly don't have those qualities to the extent that I'd like! And I want someone who inspires me to be better--someone I can learn from, heal through, evolve with. This is the true purpose of relationships.
On a side note, it is also said that the qualities we most despise in others, we have in ourselves. Again, the degree to which we have those qualities is the question, I suppose.
g'night,
Dinamo
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