it's never over

I spent the day today thinking of Cam. It's his birthday. Since the love of my life and I parted ways 2 years ago, I wrestle with the thought of contacting him, or not, on his birthday. Logic always wins.

I'm ok with it. I'm sure his soul feels my soul anyway. It's always been that way, well, since I first dated him at 16. I rarely needed to speak for him to know what I was thinking. He knew me better than I knew myself. Even when we didn't have contact for 20 years, I felt him in my heart as if he was only a breath away. He had been my lifelong sense of comfort. Ever since Cam, I've been trying to find a guy with many of his qualities.

On this day of Cam's birthday, again, I will not call him or even email him 2 words. He knows. Instead I'll honor the day with a song by the great Jeff Buckley. Jeff was one of Cam's most loved artists. And what a writer he was. The lyrics of this song are the most romantic, intense lyrics I have ever heard.

Until today I had never seen this video or any other video of Buckley singing Lover you should've come over. Weird...it only makes sense that I dedicate this song to Cam.

He's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

who's excited?

My trip to LA is right around the corner. I feel like I've been preparing for this for months. I've run the gamut of emotions from the time I booked the trip (in April, was it?) to now:

At first I was wickedly excited, but nervous about spending the money...then tentative when Andy was visiting me and driving me a little batty...then regretful after Andy flew back home and I delved deeper into my relationship with Rob...then a little non-chalant as I withdrew somewhat from my love lives and into myself for awhile...then excited again as it came closer and I started to focus on how much fun Christie and I were going to have.

The last week I have been just giddy with anticipation! I've worked out all the logistics of going away, so I'm starting to enter fun Dinamode.

Now I've just got to maneuver through this last week with Rob. He has developed his recurring case of Andyitis. He doesn't enjoy the times leading up to my trysts with Andy. And I don't blame him. But he knows this is something I have to do to figure out where I want to be in the next phase of my life. I really don't feel guilty about it, but I do empathize with Rob and try to comfort him.

In the meantime Andy sends me photos illustrating how excited HE is about my visit. (He's got a thing for my feet.) I'm not sure which one of us is more excited...!

2 dicks and a dinamo

Yes, the oft dreaded high school reunion came up this week, my 30th no less! While some avoid these grown up versions of show and tell like the plague, I wouldn't miss them for the world. I guess I don't share any of the reasons why others fear them--got too fat, went bald, was a loner in high school, never amounted to anything or passed away. I must not be doing too bad 30 years later.

I've been to my 10th, my 20th and now my 30th. The one thing I've seen hold true in all of them is that the people get nicer. Everyone is friendlier...even if it was someone you never talked to in high school, this seems to be a good time to strike up a conversation. If you didn't have anything in common then, you probably do now. You probably both have kids, and you're probably both divorced!

Also, I found that in general, the guys don't age nearly as well as the girls do. But that's ok. They're usually cooler and more comfortable in their own skin than they were as teenagers. That is attractive. And then there are some that had it then and still have it now. Like Ed.

I always thought Ed was cute though he was a little on the dumb side for me. He was a friend of a boyfriend, so we never had a thing. But we spent quite a while talking at the reunion. It was the way he looked in his t-shirt and jeans that attracted me. I liked his blond hair too. We talked about being single parents of teenagers and how life is changing fast now. I thought he was pretty cute still. Then he lit up a cigarette and I found a reason to excuse myself. Not that it was going anywhere, but he did look dang hot in that t-shirt.

Later I was talking to a guy named Rich. His buddy, another Rich, walked up and interrupted our conversation. I said hi Rich. So Rich #2 says hey, now we got 2 Dicks and a Dinamo. Nothing more needed be said. I laughed, turned around and ran away. Not exactly the kind of Dicks I'm after. But it was a damn good line!

The most intense moment of the night came when I met up with Graham. I used to have a crush on him in French class. He lives in AZ now, very close to Cam (the love of my life). He flew in just for the reunion. Graham was very interesting to talk to. Then the topic moved to Cam.

I filled Graham in a bit on what had transpired between Cam and me a few years ago. I think he understood the intensity of what I'd gone through and, as a sort of consolation, he said that Cam isn't married yet. I guess he was thinking that it wasn't too late. Well, it probably is. But I felt the emotion that has been wrapped up so tight for the last couple years sort of seeping through. Somehow I managed to quell it. Graham insisted on taking a picture of me and said he was going to show Can next time he saw him. At the moment it seemed like fun, but later I wondered if I'd just done something stupid.

I went off to listen to the band on my own when my old friend Melissa walked up to me and gave me the warmest hug of the night. My evil twin she said, I have thought about you so often. Remember the trouble we used to get into in art class? Of course I do! She was so sweet and I'm happy to see her still looking so happy...and wasted. Some things don't change!

People have been very kind to me at these reunions. They always tell me I haven't aged a bit. And I am really grateful for that. They hug a lot more, listen better, and seem very sincere in sharing their life stories. I like that. I love when people are real. That night was a trip, but definitely a trip worth taking ...every 10 years.

LA's around the corner

I am so friggin' excited. I'm going to be in LA in a couple weeks!

I think I'm equally excited to be travelling with Christie as I am to go/see somewhere new. Andy's got all sorts of cool things planned too. He's taking me to Chateau Marmont to hopefully run into an A grade celebrity or two. Geez I hope I recognize them, after all I hardly watch tv since I've started blogging and Facebooking.

Andy's also going to take Christie to LA Ink to meet Amy Nicoletti. And we're going to Santa Monica, and Malibu Beach and Venice Beach. And of course Christie has to go see where the Jonas Brothers live (even though they'll be on tour then) and every place that Nick Jonas has played...

And we're going on set of a tv show. And we're going to see the Hollywood sign, of course, and other landmarks that he sees every day and takes for granted. And I get to meet his son, his friends, and a mutual friend of ours that I haven't seen in 30 years. This is gonna be so very cool.

i like...

the way my feet look when my toenails are freshly painted

listening to the rain while lying in bed

rumpled sheets to remind me of the night before

sex in the afternoon

armpits

avocadoes

nuts, especially the texture

Andy's sense of humor

chipmunks and pandas

how ambitious, smart and capable I feel when I've had a cup of coffee

doing random things for people that make them happy

the smell of Rob's laundry

the energy I feel at a concert

getting extra money

my dentist, my naturopath and my family doctor!

my new car

Snoop's velvety ears

a great bottle of shiraz

willow trees

photo shoots

my Santorini fantasies

how my sister makes me laugh so hard I could wet my pants

having my space and silence

cleanliness

Godliness

when people show genuine interest in me

learning new stuff

endorphins

waking up refreshed

living with Christie

a good movie

a good book

flirting

looking 10 years younger than I am

being different from everyone else

scaredy cat

I was on such an adrenaline rush after the Jonny Lang night that unfortunately, it's been downhill from there. With me it's hard to tell what is the initial cause of my feelings of crappiness--I'm never quite sure if it's mental/emotional stress that makes me feel ill or if an illness brings me down mentally. Either way it sucks.

Anyhooo, I've been achy and cranky since the day after Jonny. I want to be alone and people just annoy me. I have no energy or patience. Then the more time I spend alone, the more I think...and analyze...and get a little more tormented inside. But in this state I actually stumbled upon a thought that made a lot of sense.

I basically don't feel good about myself. As in, I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough, or strong enough...that kind of shit. And you know, people would never guess that about me. I exude confidence. But I think those underlying feelings are why I drive myself so hard, and take on so many damn things, and never rest until it's all done. Which it never is, you see!

So, faced with these terrible thoughts about myself, I have to wonder when and how this started. Cuz I certainly haven't always felt this way. In fact 5 yrs ago when I decided to leave my husband, I rose to the occasion bigtime and felt higher and stronger and more excited about life than I had in 20 years. What happened?

Honestly, I have to say that #1 is because of the way my boss has treated me and #2 the company's attitude towards getting as much as they can for as little as possible from their hardworking and talented employees. I've been there over 5 years and have never been promoted. That is just embarrassing and wrong. They gave me tons of extra new responsibilities, give me perfect annual reviews raving about my work performance, even changed my job title, but never a promotion...because that would have involved a pay increase.

Fuck that, I was making over $10,000 more 20, yes TWENTY, years ago. That was before I went on family-raising hiatus which forced me to reenter the workforce at a lower payscale 6 years later...grrrr. But I never expected a company would hire me and never give me a raise. It had just never happened to me before.

So, why do I stay? For a long time, and even now, I love what I do. I have learned a lot of new skills and made some great contacts. It's a pretty prestigious place to work and it's hard to imagine working somewhere less exciting. I just made 5 years which grants me an extra week of vacation. Also, I'm very dependent on the paycheck, the pension and the benefits now that I'm a single mom with my own house. Call me scaredy cat. They got me by the balls.

But I think my biggest fear of all is that I'm not good enough to get a better job. My self-esteem sucks these days. After I speak, I hear myself inside critiquing how stupid that was and why didn't I just say this or that. People half my age seem to know twice as much as me, or at least they have double the confidence. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. And I've got to recover so I can get out of there fast. It's clearly not a good environment for me.

I sort of feel like this is the key to deciding what I want the next period in my life to be. It needs to change. I have stayed too long. I deserve to be making more money. And I deserve to be respected and appreciated because I am a damned good employee. But I have now become bitter, and I don't like being bitter. I like sweet.

Jonny obsessed

Three months ago I heard that Jonny Lang would be coming to town. I decided I would take my daughter Christie, 15, who is totally Jonas-obsessed. It's not that I wanted to break her of this habit, I just wanted to introduce her to some reeeeeaaaaal guitar. It's what any good mom who grew up on rock n roll would do. And should do! ;)

Jonny has been top of mind over the last 10 years whenever people ask me who my favorite musician is. Not that I'm crazy about his gospel stuff, but his early stuff is just friggin incredible. And to think he was capable of such musical genius from age 15 blows my mind. Plus he's so sweet. A face any mother could love (you don't buy that for a minute, do you).

The closer the concert date came I thought Christie would invent excuses why she couldn't go with me. But much to my surprise she didn't. It'll be a good mother daughter bonding experience she said, half joking. But of course we'd have to listen to Jonas Brothers all the way there.

So we finally got to see Jonny play. And we had the time of our lives. I think it tops my list for fun times so far this year!

It was priceless to see Christie's face when I grabbed her arm and proceeded to plow to the front of the crowd to get close to Jonny. We stood just right of stage in front of the wall of speakers (ouch) and could literally feel the bass blowing the hairs of my arm. But what I really loved was that she was close enough to see and feel Jonny's passion as he played. She turned to me and said OMG he's so good. He's like, better than Nick Jonas!

By the end of the concert Christie was in love. (Insert proud mama smile here.) As the band left the stage we decided to intercept them on their way back to the bus. I darted about 6' over to the barrier and waited for Jonny to approach...then, in slow mo, just like a dream, the stars in the rock n roll universe aligned and my hand met jonny's firm right shoulder. He had a beaming smile on his face and I just shouted Jonny you were great! It was a pretty exciting wet-your-panties kind of moment but I managed to stay dry.

I turned around to look for Christie who'd lost track of me when I got lost in my Jonny moment. She's like Mom, where did you go?!?! And I heard myself say I TOUCHED HIM.

I eventually got a hold of myself. But even on the drive home I'd suddenly remember the moment of contact and it would hit me all over again. Did I mention that Christie wanted to listen to Jonny Lang all the way home?

I done good tonight. C:

1 year ago today...

...Andy and I met in our hometown. It was a perfect day. It was the beginning of something big. It was one of those life changing kind of days.

This past year has been charged with new energy, adventures and goals, but with that came emotional challenges and difficult decisions. And it ain't over yet. The fat lady's waiting to go on...

In 3 weeks I'll be on a plane to LA. Time to see what Andy's world is like. I am really excited about the trip (and taking Christie). I am looking forward to seeing Andy too, but deep inside I wonder if it will be my last time, and with that comes some sadness.

Everyone says I am going to love California, and I can't argue with that as I have never been. I am sure there will be things I love. But I suspect I will leave thinking, yeah, it was great to visit, but I don't want to live there.

Or maybe I'll fall in love with the city, and more deeply with the guy, which is what would be required for me to pick up and move across the continent. Holy shit...could that ever happen?

fully satisfied

I should be cleaning my bathrooms, but instead I had to tell you how much I just enjoyed mowwing down a meatball marinara sub from Subway. AND a root beer. O M G I can't remember liking a meal to that extent for awhile. Which is bad because I spent good coin last weekend at a fancy Greek restaurant for Rob's birthday.

Anyway, I was feeling Italian today. And I think my mind is craving more fat for its lethargic neurons (I have very hungry neurons), as I have been eating so damn lean and healthy lately.

So I splurged. $5 and I dunno how many calories, on a foot long sub. And a root beer which I'd been craving off and on for over 6 months. I finally treated myself to one. I'm not a pop drinker, but I just needed a root beer.

OK, so I'm really full right now. Maybe I should lie down and nap. Mmmm, it feels good to be this full on something so yummy. Kinda like sex. Hey, there's an idea. Way more fun than cleaning bathrooms.

daughter dilemma

I had the rare opportunity of spending some time alone with Maria, my almost-19-yr-old daughter. Well, as alone as we could be with her cell phone in hand. I tried to get enough words in between her text messaging so that she could 'hear' me. Not sure how successful I was.

Our relationship has been better in the last 6-9 months and part of that is due to the fact that we don't get together much, plus we don't dig into the volatile issues anymore. She holds very high ideals which immediately place my 'racy' lifestyle in her 'wrong' column. Time will right all that as she gets her own dose of reality, but until then, we strive to have a pleasant relationship.

Tonight I needed to bring up the topic of me moving, which I'd like to do in the next year. I wanted to know if she was open to any of my options (translated: which was the lesser of two evils in her mind) I am considering either moving with Christie (my 15-yr-old daughter and her sister) to California to live with Andy, or staying in town and moving in with Rob (whom she despises for no other reason than she associates him with the family breakup--and by the way he had nothing to do with it).

Let's just say this was a no-win conversation. Basically she said that if I moved to California she'd pretty much stop talking to me, and if I stayed in town and moved in with Rob, she'd never come over.

This pretty much nixes out the 2 men in my life. Which leaves me with the following thoughts/ideas:

1. To hell with what she wants, it's my life and I need to go live it. But I risk losing her, which, as a mother, I can't bear. The guilt would eventually eat away at me.

2. Look for a new guy close by that I love as much as Rob, and hope Maria doesn't find something drastically wrong with him.

3. Continue to live without a man in the house. More of the same and I'm getting pretty tired of that.

4. Ask Andy to move here. She likes him, although she thinks he's immature and doesn't understand his paintings. But I don't want Andy to move here. He belongs in LA, that's just who he is. I couldn't ask him to do that, nor would I want to change who he is.

Because there is no immediate answer, I sit here feeling kind of deflated. And disappointed that we had to revisit those emotions when all I wanted to do was have fun and some more mature discussions. Guess that was premature.

score!

When I was rummaging through boxes hoping to find hidden treasures for my upcoming garage sale, I came across 2 old broken gold chain necklaces and a gold bracelet I never wear. Yesterday I took them into a gold dealer to see what they were worth. I walked out of there with $90!

Score!

Last Friday the company I work for gave out profit sharing for the first time in over a year. My share was $250!

Score!

My garage sale is coming up soon. I hope to score big there too. I'm pumped. Gotta keep up the momentum.

alone time

Sometimes I just like to be alone. No men. No children. No relatives. No dog. Just me in my house for a whoooole day.

I like to putter, to rummage through boxes. I have a box with all my diaries in it from age 16 to age 40ish. I could spend a week leafing through those. But I don't.

I like to get my house clean and have no one else there to mess it up. I love to get stuff done that I never have time to get to otherwise.

I like to play board games by myself. I've played Life with all 8 cars, and Risk with all the colors--is it 6? This makes me feel like a nutcase but I don't really care.

I like to get as much stuff accomplished in a day as possible. That is anal, but it surely drives me and makes me feel good at the end of the day.

I like to get into my most comfortable clothes and lounge in my bedroom. Sometimes I read, sometimes I look at the tv (but rarely find something worth watching). Sometimes I get to go to bed early!

No man is an island, and certainly no woman is either, especially me. I'm just sayin...it's a relief to do what you want once in a while without regard for anyone else.

sentiment through song

Andy posted this song to my wall this morning, and I got all mushy inside.

You are a car
You are a hospital
I'd walk to hell and back
To see you smile
On saturday
You are a star
You are a sea of air
I play great keyboards
Of horses' teeth
On saturday
On saturday
I'd like to tell you
How I feel
I'll probably keep it'til saturday
Oh saturday, saturday

little eden

I love my garden this summer. This is my 4th summer in this house and finally my garden looks like something!

The hot reddish-orange flowers are crocosmia. I first saw one of these a few years back on a garden walk and it took my breath away! I finally found one and planted it last summer. It didn't do much, but most perennials don't perform in their first year.

The pink flowers are my hydrangea shrub, which was originally an Easter gift from Rob that I plunked in the ground to see if it would adapt. I think it's happy here.

My evergreen shrubs were new last year, so they're looking good too.

And last, but not least, is my yellow adirondack chair, hand painted by me last summer. I think it makes the whole porch. I love summer.

one insane moment of truth

I have been one emotional hot mess these days. I don't know if it's due to the incessant juggling of two relationships, or job dissatisfaction, or financial stress, or pms, or peri-menopause, or if I'm just a fucked up chick.

Here I stand, panicked in the middle of a self-manufactured chaotic existence. Rob has announced he thinks it's time to start dating other women since I can't commit to him, and he's tired of putting his life on hold. That rattled me, and I could kick myself because I've been encouraging him to do that all along. Now that he does it, I cave? Shame on me!

I know why it's happened though. During Andy's last visit I missed Rob terribly and realized he is my security, my best friend and soulmate. So I've since cooled my feelings toward Andy and have been spending oodles of time with Rob. I've reopened my heart to Rob and we've been experiencing some pretty wonderful moments and depth again. He senses my renewed love and maybe that's why he feels that now is the time to play his hand.

But I CAN'T stop him from dating someone else, because I can't cancel my trip to LA. I can't do that to Andy, but more importantly I can't do that to Christie. This is going to be the trip of her life! or at least of her teenage-hood. She is so excited. I wish some of that would rub off on me.

As I sit and cry in self pity, this is what I really wish I could say to Rob right now, and still feel this way in a week, a month, a year, and the rest of my days on earth:

I want to move in with you.
I want to make love to you forever.
Let's buy a house together.
I want to love you and take care of you like a wife.
I want us to build a life together.
Let's plan a trip.
I want your bed to be my bed.

What I really wish I could say to Andy right now:

I can't move to California because I can't live without Rob.
Please don't plan your whole life around me. It's too much pressure.
I'm sorry I led you on. It felt good to dream with you and you certainly filled my need to be desired, accepted and adored. I truly believed we could be together. But I have learned that our relationship is not as deep as I need a relationship to be.

I can only hope that my mind and heart find a way through this, with as little damage as possible to the innocent parties. Because I love them all. xxx