my ex is a miserable shit

I usually don't speak those words about anyone. It's just not my style. But then why does it feel so good to get that out?

Because he aggravates me, he makes me feel worthless and he believes I am a bad person out to get him and deceive him. Plus he can't carry on a conversation without accusing, interrupting and dredging up old issues. How do you ever resolve anything with that attitude? How can I ever get a word in edgewise?

I cannot stomach him. I don't know how to deal with that type of person other than staying away from them. That's what I had done for the last 4 months.

But today I called him because the family dog (Snoop) is facing some potentially expensive vet bills. I simply wanted to know what, if anything, he would be able to help with. Because it would obviously affect my decision on how to proceed with Snoop's medical issues. And I thought he would want to know what's happening with the dog. If not for the dog's sake, then at least for Maria and Christie's sake as they would be hurt the most by losing their dog.

But it ws a useless conversation beyond the fact that it confirmed that he is STILL an ass. AFTER ALMOST 4 YEARS OF SEPARATION. God help him.

why i am a lover

While I haven't blogged a lot in the past week(s), I have had a lot of thoughts, just no time to blog them. Carrying them around in my head is risky business as my memory grows faulty with every year, and I just turned 47.

One of the things I was pondering was my having 2 lovers at once. It's certainly not a new situation to me, I've been here at least twice before. It caused me to wonder why do I do this? There is something that feels inherently good about having more than one man in love with me. I asked myself, do I actually need this? And, why do I need this?

Hmmm...first, I see loving as my main strength. I feel it is the one thing that I am best at. Plus, it is my preferred method of expression. I have a lot of love to give and it seems to build up inside of me, crying to be released. I admit I love the art of falling in love, filling someone else with love, basking in the euphoria, and besides, there is nothing else to make you feel so alive as love.

Second, I can't help but feel that I have lived many lives before this one as a lover. I have visions of myself as a geisha, a prostitute, a sexually active gay man in ancient Greece (yes, Greek baths, toga and all), a sheik with a harem of lovers, and a lustful woman sought out by sexually starved men in Victorian times. All these roles feel familiar to me.

Third, I question whether the absence of a real father figure in my current lifetime has anything to do with this pattern of seeking love from men. I rarely saw my father and never even felt related, let alone loved by him. Though he was always nice to me, I did not feel close to him in any way. Though it's important to note that I did not feel unloved. Just maybe I am longing to prove to myself that I am lovable, and wanted, by men.

I accept this desire for multiple lovers at this point in my life, but I have become a little worried about its future consequences. I don't see myself living this way forever. Ideally I'd like to find one partner to spend the rest of my days with.

One particular vision I cherish is the two of us rocking in our rocking chairs on the porch of our summer home. We are silent, content in knowing that all is right between us. I would like to live happily ever after with him, until the day we die, making sweet passionate love in the park at age 100, of course!

post-Christmas delivery

Everyone around here has been impatiently awaiting the first snowfall, praying we would have a white Christmas. Well, it did not make it in time for Christmas. But yesterday afternoon, it finally started snowing... and sticking!

I dressed extra warm and grabbed Snoop's leash, a poop bag, and off we went for our nightly walk. I just have to say one word about that walk...

~ H E A V E N L Y ~

Not that I am a huge fan of winter, cuz in February I'll be cursing the stuff, but with the snow came a magical beauty to the neighborhood, a quiet calm, a cozy blanket of white that suddenly brought on some warm and fuzzy feelings that I associate with Christmastime. I was happier than happy, content with the world and my life, at least for this moment, and thankful for all the blessings that surround me, none less exciting than this snow.

Part II - I had the pleasure of sleeping over at Rob's house last night. When I got up at 4am to pee, I looked out his bathroom window onto his one-acre backyard. It was a winter wonderland!! It had snowed a few inches more and it was coming down in big, fat flakes. I was in awe. I climbed back in bed, he stirred, and I said to him, let's go out and play in it!!

the power of family opinion

I am a pretty independent person in almost every way. Sure, I can't change a flat tire or cook a turkey, but I'm sure I could learn (if I cared to). My friends, family, coworkers, Andy and Rob all see me as a very independent woman.

Something I realized lately is that my family's opinion holds a lot of power when it comes to making personal decisions--in particular, who I am with. No one realizes this but me, and I guess I would like to keep it that way. Apparently I like the fact that everyone sees me as kind of a self-sufficient entity.

My sister is probably the biggest influence. I noticed that her opinion over the last couple years has caused me to rethink earlier decisions and change my path.

At a house party I threw a few years back, she was enthralled with one of my male guests and suggested I should go out with him. It was someone who I knew had been attracted to me and had even asked me out a couple times when I was involved with Rob, so I'd repeatedly fended him off. But a few weeks after Lynn had 'endorsed' him, I started to pull away from Rob and eventually began dating this guy. Needless to say it didn't quite work out, but I did have a lot of fun with him. He ended up getting engaged to someone else when I wouldn't move full speed ahead.

The next time Lynn's influence triggered a change was early last summer. Granted, things were already in a state of disappointment with Rob, but her comments were the clincher. We were out at a concert together and talking about my relationship with Rob. She said something like He's nice, but I just see you with someone taller, more exciting. A bit of an ouchie statement at the time, but it stayed with me.

Lynn was also the one to suggest Andy as a friend when I joined Facebook in June. I never would have guessed that my sister (who has trouble running her own life) has so much influence over mine.

My mother, too, has shared her vision with me--she dreams of me with someone tall, dark and handsome who owns a winery or some other exciting business. I have kind of laughed this off over the last few years, but there is some validity to what she has suggested. I have discovered that I am seeking someone who is entrepreneurial and successful. Not that Rob isn't successful. But it's the leadership quality that I seem to desire.

Christie, my 14 year old daughter, also holds a lot of power. Every time she has commented on whether or not she likes a certain man in my life, I notice that my feelings towards him are swayed in one direction or another. Currently she is very fond of Andy and keeps asking me when he is coming to visit. I have never seen her that enthusiastic towards one of my male interests.

All this makes me wonder who is paving my path, my family or me? And why is their opinion so important to me?

yes to everything

giving and receiving

Rob and I went shopping today. He wanted to buy me some birthday presents. That's a little hard for me.

First, I'm not all that comfortable accepting gifts. I mean, I can do it just fine, but inside I always feel a little strange about people spending money on me. Basically, I'd rather be giving than receiving. And second, I feel a little guilty that he's buying me gifts when soon enough I'll have to break some upsetting news to him. The news that Andy is coming to visit. I just don't want him to regret buying me presents later.

So Rob ended up buying me a killer pair of grey suede boots--those high ones that go above the knee. They're flats so that I can at least wear them with him, short man that he is. Plus he bought me a nice black cardigan. It looks warm and cozy on me. I was happy to have new stuff. But I was almost happier about what HE got!

I suggested he look at men's clothes in one of may favorite stores. He hates to shop, mostly because he doesn't know how to pick out clothes. I gladly became his personal shopper! My favorite part is going into the change room with him. As he undresses I get to kiss his nice tight stomach and rub my face on his soft fur. I purr. He smiles. Then he slips on a shirt or a sweater and SHIT he looks so good in form fitting clothes!

What's neat is that it's so fun for me to pick out good clothes for him, and he leaves really happy, having had a painless shopping experience and clothes that he knows look good on him. Bonus: they were on sale.

gotta love a beagle

Charles Schulz must have owned a beagle. How else would he have known that endearing doggie personality to portray it so well? I have watched Charlie Brown Christmas since I was a little girl and I always loved this part. I can't help but think that it later influenced my decision to choose a beagle. Gotta love 'em.

guess who's coming to town?

Santa, of course. Then Andy! In January. It is going to happen. After 5 1/2 months of waiting, we will be together again. Instead of just talking to each other (and seeing via Skype), we can actually touch. I am so looking forward to that hug.

Thanks to Skype I have gotten to know Andy better, which was a definite goal of mine. The initial fantasy of quitting my job, selling the house and moving to California to move in with him and promote him as an artist has evolved into a mellower, OK, let's get to know each other a little first!

We skype every couple days, sometimes for hours at a time. Not that we say a whole lot. We often stare and smile (sounds a little retarded I know). Or one of us does stuff while the other one watches (ok, what are you thinking??). It's very much like living together. Like yesterday I rang Andy, and he proceeded to watch me paint my kitchen...for 4 hours.

He especially liked what I was wearing--black tank top and a pair of old black yoga pants that were very low rise and exposed my belly. So when I reached up to roll the paint onto the ceiling he made some interesting comments from across the room where his face filled my computer screen.

I know it sounds crazy. Everyone I tell this to thinks it's crazy that we spend hours just watching each other. But I tell ya, it's just really, really nice just to know the other is there.

And so he will be here in a few weeks. In my house, in my bed, in my arms. :)

the biggest chicken

OK. A friggin month went by and I finally got the nerve to bring up the safe sex topic with Andy. A shot of whiskey helped. What the frig is wrong with me?

I think it may have been just as awkward for Andy because he hardly said anything when I brushed on the topic. Maybe it was because he was munching the largest fuji apple in the world at the time. Or maybe it was cuz he felt as weird as I did. Maybe he's as chicken as I am to discuss the hard issues!

As we disconnected from our Skype conversation last night I could have kicked myself for not tackling this head on. I had planned it all in my mind. I had planned to say I was scared to approach the topic for fear of insulting him or that he would change his mind about coming for a visit. And I was going to tell him about my own issue. I was going to be compassionate and really mature about the whole thing, like a big girl should!

But I left it way too open-ended. I didn't state my request other than saying I would like some reassurance that everything's safe when we have sex. What I really wanted was for him to get checked for a few specific major diseases (and show me proof), but instead I let him off with a Sure, I'll go to the doctor before I come see you.

And by the way he is looking at flights for January, so I need to get my shit together!

the oral exam

One thing you should never do the night before a dentist appointment...give a blow job to a very horny man.

This stands as one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. And with just a little foresight I could have avoided it by just having sex. I hadn't seen Rob in about a week and he was pretty damned horny by the time I got to him.

When he's that hot he has a hard time controlling his movements, especially the closer he gets to orgasm. Well his excitement also drives me into my own frenzy where my pain sensors all turn into pleasure sensors, so I just keep going, no matter what. And before you know it my mouth has taken a bit of a beating.

It's not until it's all over that I realize I had better check for damage. My mouth certainly felt sore in a few spots, but I was relieved that there was no sign of injury. I relaxed knowing that I heal fast.

Well, I had practically forgotten about it until the next day when I opened wide for a dentist appointment and my dentist asked what happened and does it hurt.

Dreadful, just dreadful. I shrugged, thanking God that I couldn't speak with my mouth open that wide. I'm sure I turned red. I doubt my dentist believed me, and I wondered how many times before he'd seen the aftermath of over zealous oral sex. At least there's one oral exam I can pass.

letter to Rob

Hi hon...here's where I am. I feel like I am doing the right thing by spending more time alone. I have more time to think and do. I accomplish more and feel less stressed. This is not something that you caused, but I did it to myself trying to be with you most days of the week. I am actually kind of surprised at how little I feel I need from a man right now--I can't remember feeling this way in a long time. It seems like I'm more in control of my life, but who knows how realistic that is.

Anyway, I would like our relationship to be based mostly on friendship. I would like it to be kind of low key and light, not overly emotional. I can't say how many days a week I'll want to be together or how often I'll want to be intimate. I care about how you feel and I wrestle with guilt at what my changing needs have done/are doing to you. I understand that you have needs too, and if this becomes too difficult for you, I could lose you. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but I know that we've experienced such depth with each other that you may not want to "go backwards".

I haven't made any promises to anyone and I am still exploring different directions in my life. I don't want to give you false hope for a future together beyond a meaningful friendship. But I do not know what the future holds for me, in love, career, location, and especially when it comes to my feelings. Apparently I am still learning how to decide what I want.

I do love you and I'm sorry that my actions cause you pain.

dance of passion

Baryshnikov is such a beautiful man. I never forgot this incredible dance from the first time I saw it. It moved me way back in '85 when I barely knew the meaning of passion myself. Now I can only imagine what Baryshnikov must have been like in bed.

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!

one shitty day

I should've known from the start it was gonna be a challenging day. Or maybe I decided it would be, and so it was.

I had gone to sleep last night thinking about work (overflow stress from the day). I proceeded to dream about work a few times during the night. Even the alarm woke me from a dream that I was trying to catch a subway train to my next destination, but missed it by a few seconds. I woke up tired as if I'd been working all night too.

Today work wasn't so bad really. It was manageable. My sister called me to ask if I knew what had happened to our dad. Apparently he got moved from the physical therapy center back to the hospital. She called the hospital and couldn't get any information because my uncle is the only proxy on file. That's all fine and dandy except that he, my uncle, is 85 and dying of bone cancer, recovering at home from some chemo gone bad. (Yes, we finally found out what's wrong with him.)

So, my sister had to call my uncle to find out what's going on with our father. He's been admitted to the psych ward because he had a reaction to the anti-anxiety drug they gave him. Oh shit, back on those again...that's how he ended up in the hospital in the first place! And to top it off, when my sister asked my uncle if she could help with some of Dad's care and making medical decisions, my uncle said, Oh no, we're handling that just fine. Like hell you are.

I also talked to Andy, but our conversation was a bit flat. Maybe because I woke him up and he was a bit hungover. Or maybe because I am getting annoyed that he still hasn't responded about what he wants in a relationship. I stewed on that all the way home in my car, so I betcha that's it.

I got home and the fact that my dog was following me everywhere was really annoying me. Get a life, for God's sake! (I'm so mean.) Christie was starving, and she reminded me several times as I raced around the kitchen trying to put together a Greek pizza. Meanwhile she's laying on the couch watching tv. That was annoying too.

And she asked if her boyfriend could come over tomorrow night. I said yes. Then she added Could you please not have Rob over then? I thought this was strange. I asked why. She didn't want to say, but eventually she got annoyed with ME for asking 3 times, and said Because I don't like him and I don't want Brad to meet him. That was REALLY annoying.

The clincher was eating dinner. My beautiful Greek pizza got picked apart until it was nothing but pizza dough and feta cheese. At the side of Christie's plate was a pile of red peppers, onions, spinach, kalamata olives, chicken breast...basically all the healthy stuff I'd put on it.

I packed it up and went upstairs to my room, fired up my laptop and now I'm ranting to y'all. I feel better already.

my cup runneth over

Oh boy. I mean, oh men. I feel like I've really got my hands full.

It's been a challenge this last week since Rob made the casual suggestion that I move in with him. It brought my emotion back to the surface (which I've struggled to keep in check) and we ended up spending quite a few nights together which in turn brought us closer.

Meanwhile Andy's in LA, not responding to my request for what he wants in a relationship, and being somewhat distant emotionally due to upcoming projects on his mind. So I let that cool for a few days. Till today. Then the tables turned.

Andy and I had a Skype call in which he was very attentive and brought back my smile (but still no list). While I'm Skyping with Andy, Rob calls on the phone, wanting to know when I'll be ready for "company". I told him I was just finishing up a call and then I'd be free. Later that night as we were falling asleep he told me that my comment about finishing up the call was a real jolt. He had almost forgotten about my thing with Andy and had hoped I had too. (NOT.) He feels that if we spend time together and share such closeness that it seems like I am all his again.

The truth is, that oftentimes when I am with Rob, I am completely into him. But when I am away from him for a bunch of hours, or especially days, I think less and less about him. My mind wanders to other activities, and love interests. It's always been that way with Rob, and I thought it was a sign that he was not the one. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

So, lots of heavy conversation ensued, and we came around to the same place we always do. He decides to think positive, stay in the moment and enjoy me while he has me. He stated once again--we are friends and lovers. Curious enough though, he is still talking about me moving in. And I got a little sucked into that fantasy over the last couple days.

Today at work I answered my phone. The first words I hear are I miss you so much oozing with sincerity and a little desperation. It was Andy. He proceeded to tell me how he had to tell another close friend all about me last night, how great it is to have me for a girlfriend, how good I make him feel. And how much it feels like it's getting closer to reality. He also said that he has to make the trip to me happen...soon.

Andy left me thinking of nothing (and no one) else the rest of the workday. He does that. He waltzes in and completely rocks my world. And apparently I rock his too.

On my 45-minute drive home I couldn't help but wonder if I am truly blessed or completely nuts for getting into this situation. And it's not even the first time. I have a history of being in love with 2 men at once. Why do I do this? I'm happy to have them, but I am scared of hurting them. The stakes are higher than I anticipated. They are both in love with me.

And by the way, no list from Andy yet.

what i need in a man

I gave Andy a task today. I asked him to give some thought to what he needs in a relationship. He has never voiced any of his needs, only his wants and dreams and lots of beautiful imaginary visions of us together. Which is wonderful, but...

Lately I have wondered if he really knows what he wants out of a relationship, or if he ever gives it any thought. So I asked him to get back to me on it. And I told him I'd do the same for him. At the very least it will help speed up this getting-to-know-you stage.

All day long I've been trying to encapsulate what it is that I want in a partner into a few simple words. Not so easy. But I'll give it a whirl here in blogland.

What I need in a partner:

• someone who can go deep with me - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - and challenge me
• someone who has a genuine interest in finding out who I really am
• honesty with a constant desire to keep it real between us
• to be adored
• a protector - stick up for me, hold me during scary movies, give me a kidney, whatever
• a kind, open-minded, upbeat, non-judgmental person
• a great lover who can be sweet, strong and an insatiable animal all in the same night
• someone who loves to touch me
• respectful of me and others
• loyal and dedicated to family, and to me
• someone who has had children
• accepting of my children
• non-smoker, in fact, not addicted to anything except me
• trusting enough to open up to me
• a confident man, but humble and imperfect
• dependable and responsible
• good sense of humor!
• healthy lifestyle
• someone with passion and a purpose
• someone I can learn from and grow with

And here are a few things that are extremely nice to have in a partner:

• good to look at
• common interests
• quality time together
• unjaded, able to love and trust freely
• money
• living close, or better yet, together
• someone as clean as I am
• intelligence
• patience
• a handy guy who will look out for me and my car/furnace/plumbing
• someone with good taste
• great communicator
• someone who knows me better than I know myself

bittersweet invitation

You know what? I could kind of strangle Rob right now. I'm a mixed bag of emotions.

In the midst of a casual conversation yesterday Rob suggested that I move in with him. That's right, me, my daughter and my dog (I presume) pack up and move into his house. Can you fuckin believe it?

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or hit him over the head with a frying pan.

It mostly makes me sad. Sad that he got the idea about 6 months too late. Sad that he finally feels that way and I don't. Sad that he is putting himself in such a precarious position knowing that I am in a relationship with another man. Is this a last ditch attempt at winning me back? Is he that out of touch with my reality that he thinks I would jump at his offer?

It was only 5 months ago he said he didn't want to come home to a teenager lying on the couch and crumbs on the kitchen counter. Is it because he soon realized his teenage son would be coming to live with him and so he might as well put up with my kid if he has to put up with his own? That seems a little too obvious. Though I must admit he doesn't have a mean or deceptive bone in his body.

I am touched and (only slightly) confused. A minute part of me wants to live out the dream, if only for a few moments--to feel what it would be like to take that all in, to let the dream unfold, to feel that loved by someone and that hopeful for a future with him. Not to mention how utterly convenient it would be for my finances.

But life over the last few months has led me to believe that I need and deserve a bigger life than this. I need to achieve more which means I must explore beyond the boundaries of this little town and the little man with the big, big love. It's not time for me to settle down with him, not now, and maybe never. I feel bad for him.

his body was mine

I had the most amazing sexual experience. I was in Rob's bed a couple nights ago. We were kissing and touching naked under the covers (my favorite cold weather activity).

I suddenly had a great idea. I asked him to lie on top of me, his back to my front. He was kind of heavy, but he's really not that much heavier than me, plus he's shorter, so our bodies lined up nicely. I was able to stay in that position for awhile...and let's just say I had really good access to all the right stuff.

Now if you don't know much about me, you must at least know by now that I adore the male body. I love it so much that I am unable to choose only one favorite part. I am obsessed with everything from armpits to the trail of hair down the stomach, not to mention balls, nipples, thighs and butts. Basically, everything male. And I've been told I handle myself quite capably when it comes to a man's body. It's been my passion for decades.

So, back to my great idea. Rob climbed on top and I immediately wrapped my arms around the front of him and ran my hands over his hard chest, down his stomach and beyond. I grabbed his cock with my right hand and jerked it without any hesitation, knowing exactly what was needed from second to second. My left hand ran from his nipple to his stomach and down to his balls. I closed my eyes and I felt for those moments as if his body was my own.

It was beautiful and sensual and hot. And he LOVED it.

pre-sex prep

I have to have the sex talk with Andy and I'm a little nervous about it. For 3 months we've talked about how much we want to be intimate with each other. And with the help of technology, we've experienced some intimacy in the virtual world. I guess you could say we've been exercising the ultimate form of safe sex.

But safe sex is a conversation we need to have soon because Andy mentioned he might be coming to visit me in January. We have already agreed we would use condoms for intercourse, but then there's the case of oral sex, something neither of us is willing to go without.

I'm afraid I'm going to offend him by asking him to be tested for STDs. I'm trying to decide on the best approach because my health is not something I'm willing to risk. We have not talked about our sexual history, but he does know that I have sex with Rob. But I don't know much at all about his past...or present, though I don't see how he'd have much time for sex since we're Skyping non-stop.

So what do you think of this plan? I will tell him that I have never been tested for anything, but I am willing to. I was married for 19 years to a man who I believe was faithful. And since then I have only slept with 2 men, both who I am sure were no risk at all. (Cam was just out of a 20 year marriage, and Rob was in the habit of being tested after every sexual relationship he had.)

What I do need to disclose is that I had/have HPV--human papilloma virus. (I'm not sure it ever leaves once you contract it.) I got it from my dear cheating boyfriend when I was 19. At that time they didn't know much about HPV. I just got treated for those gross warts that appear in places you don't want to know about, and I thought that was the end of it.

Twenty years later when a pap revealed I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, HPV was just coming to the forefront. My doctor said my pre-cervical cancer was the result of HPV I'd had earlier. They were just starting to learn more about HPV and the vaccine was being advertised all over the place.

Apparently there are many different strains. At this point there is no test for men to determine whether they have HPV, so we do not conclusively know if Rob has caught it from me or not. Men can go forever without symptoms and only be carriers. So this is a potential risk to Andy and I need to tell him.

I figure that honesty is always the best policy. I just hope his fear of needles and the cost involved with the blood tests due to his lack of decent health insurance don't deter him from having them, and even more scary...from coming to see me.

how much money would it take?

There are a bunch of things that I say I would do "if only I had the money". Well, I put myself to the challenge to figure out what it would take to get me to actually do these things.

• Take 2 weeks off to take my mother on her dream trip to the Amalfi Coast of Italy - $15,000
• Fly to Los Angeles to visit Andy for a week - $500 if I had the vacation time, $1500 if I didn't.
• Get my dog's rotten teeth pulled - $1000
• Redecorate my bedroom, including new carpet to replace the 1995 rose-colored carpet throughout my whole upstairs and stairway - $10,000

And then I wondered, really, how motivated am I by money itself? I mean, are there things that I would do for money even if I didn't like to do them? Here are a few considerations:

• Invite my invalid father to live with me - $2000/month (no promises!)
• Drive a transport truck for a living - $300,000/yr. Make that $500,000/yr.
• Have protected sex with an ok-looking stranger - $500
• Have unprotected sex with a really hot stranger - I'd like to say I would not do this
• Abstain from all forms of sex for a month - $1,000 (one time only, not sure I would survive it)
• Go to work one day with no makeup at all - $500 (ok, I'm a little vain)
  
  Interesting exercise.

the good deed doer

Part of the reason I have given up a chunk of my time with Rob is that I have a handful of fairly needy family members right now.

Last weekend I visited my dad in the hospital where it appears he will live the rest of his days. I spent an hour or so making conversation and trying to make his day. Our lives are worlds apart with little in common besides our blood (and nice feet). But he is my father and it feels good to visit him every couple weeks, hopefully adding some brightness to his dismal existence.

After seeing Dad, I went to visit my uncle in the apartment where he lives/lived with my dad. My uncle is now in his 80s and hooked up to oxygen 24/7. I know it's been difficult for him to even walk across a room, let alone clean or cook, so I offered to help him out for a couple hours. And what did he want me to do to help him out?

Wash and iron his shirts.

He's always been the Felix Unger type. Anal, somewhat controlling. In fact I always suspected he was gay, not that I cared. Anyway, so he sat in a chair and I held up his shirts one by one as he decided whether or not they needed washing. Turns out 22 of them did. I packed them up to take them home.

Then I got him some breakfast. I couldn't bear the thought of him taking a half hour to walk to the kitchen , resting 3 times on the way, only to pour himself a bowl of cereal (12 wheat squares please) and a glass (8 oz please) of orange juice (shake the carton first please). I was happy to help.

While he ate I got my bucket of cleaning stuff out of my trunk and went to town on their bathroom. God helped me, of that I am sure. Now I know I am going to heaven...I have earned it. I scrubbed while holding my breath for over an hour. Plus I broke a sweat! But I did it. I was happy to help. Lord knows that bathroom has never been cleaner. And probably never will be.

I said goodbye to my uncle. He was very thankful. I was very thankful to have the chance to help him out.

I went home and washed those shirts, then I ironed them one by one. I couldn't stop thinking the whole time that my uncle would not have the chance to even wear those shirts. But I pressed them and buttoned the collars, and hung them one by one. I was happy to help.

a kid named skype?

I confess, I love technology. Well, the type of technology that brings loved ones together in a virtual world where they can see and hear each other...for free! Holy shit, this is great stuff.

Andy and I both downloaded Skype and discovered we can not only talk, but LOOK AT EACH OTHER in real time, without paying a friggin cent. This comes a couple weeks after he received a mega phone bill for his long distance calls to me. The sound is better than our phones and the video streams perfectly.

We've been hungry for the sight of each other since August 1, 2009. I think the first night we stared at each other for 2 hours straight. We knew how weird that was, but we did it anyway.

In honor of our great discovery Andy said hey let's have a kid and name it Skype! Sure, honey. So tell me, when will technology let me touch, taste and smell Andy all those miles away? C'mon, c'mon...

i did it and i didn't like it

As we moved into day 6 of not sleeping together, guilt crept in. I thought that maybe if I just invited Rob over, nature would run its course and I'd want to be close to him again.

Didn't happen. He came over (sex-starved) and tried to be a loving and patient boyfriend. We talked, he rubbed my head (I had a headache--isn't that a hoot??) and eventually we climbed into bed. He tried to lie still behind me. Then his penis couldn't quite behave. It was like hello, remember me???

I did not discourage him, I guess you could say it was a mercy fuck. All the things I used to enjoy about him I found I wanted no part of tonight. And I felt bad about it. I didn't like the way he talked or laughed, or looked, I didn't particularly like the way he smelled, and I didn't have an appreciation for his body. I felt no emotional desire or connection to him other than friendship. And I felt suffocated by him all night in bed. WTF??

I'm not sure what's going on with me. He hasn't done anything to upset me. And I haven't been consumed with Andy either. Andy and I have talked a few times during the week, but it was pretty tame. I have been super busy with work and life and planning how to get everything done that I need to do...

I feel bad about Rob, like I've left him standing in the rain. I feel I've deserted him physically. That's not me.

just don't wanna

Hey guys. Gotta problem. Rob wants to spend the night with me and I'm just not feelin it.

Sometimes I'm really hot for him, sometimes I need him emotionally, or sometimes after hanging out it seems that sleeping together is the natural progression. But when I'm not feelin it, I don't know how to tell him. How do you say that to someone without hurting them?

Sure, I can make some valid excuses, like I haven't been sleeping well and I really need a good sleep tonight. Or, I have to help Christie with a project tonight, or gee, I have really bad gas, maybe I'll spare you tonight. (It is he who has used that one on me.)

But stretching the truth only works in this case if it's one night. And I'm going on my 3rd.

totally wacked out Jonas freak sweetie pie

In one word, Christie.

I am thoroughly delighted by my 14 year old daughter's obsession with the Jonas Brothers. Christie is an emotionally stable, beautiful, smart and outgoing high school girl, so this is merely the icing on the cake of her life. She would beg to differ, of course. To her, the Jonas Bros are everything, not to mention her reason for living.

I can't say I have ever been so insanely crazy about a famous person(s) as she is, but I can really appreciate the benefits of it. It truly brings her joy. All I have to do is say Jonas and she lights up.

She loves their music and I don't mind it at all...though she wishes I would not sing along. If I had a dime for every time the word Jonas has been spoken in my house I would be one wealthy chick.

Last Friday I told her that the boys of her dreams had stayed at a hotel near us. She screamed and laughed and cried and carried on for over half an hour in such an excited LOUD tone I had to tell her to calm down because the neighbors would get scared. Then finally she took a breath and said wow, I scare myself. To which I laughed, but what else is new when I live with such an entertainer as Christie.

She is determined to meet them someday and actually feels it will happen soon. I wholeheartedly support this dream as I know from experience that it is a real possibility. Especially when you want something that much, the intense emotion draws it towards you.

Christie fills my life with joy and I would love to fill hers with a little more Jonas if that's what makes her happy. I'll certainly do what I can to bring on the Jonas.

like a honeymoon

Rob took me on a consolation getaway this weekend. I say consolation because he had offered to take me to Florida for a week, but I couldn't in good conscience accept such a large gift considering the state of our relationship. I did agree to a one-night getaway to a dreamy location about 2 hours away.

The weather was just perfect, a sunny and balmy fall day, the colours of the trees at their peak. I'd been to this place before for work, but Rob had not. I knew he would love it there because of the falls, the woods and the rural location, and I was right.

It was a day and night filled with greatness. We hiked and stumbled upon an art gallery that was so alive with character and painters doing their stuff while we watched. Gorgeous scenery, sun beaming and water sparkling. Our dinner was tres romantic and the wine was as fabulous as the food.

I believe Rob used this trip to his advantage. Rob was determined to let me know how he truly felt about me. He was expressive beyond anything he'd ever said or done before. He even mentioned not once, but twice, how this felt like a honeymoon. That's a word he never brought up before because it is too damn close to marriage, and we just didn't go there in conversation. I think he has realized what a mistake that was.

At dinner he'd forgotten his glasses, so he handed me his credit card and asked me to take care of the bill. Even to sign for him. You may not think much of this act, but I'll tell ya it was big. First of all, we usually split the cost of things, so this felt really different. Second, him expecting me to sign his name, was like, being married. It actually made my heart jump, it felt so different.

Moving onward, we are up in our room christening the bed. He's on top of me, moving slowly, looking into my eyes, when he says I just want you to know that I really love you and if you're ready, I'm ready to have a relationship at any level that you want.

OK, so that's big too. About 6 months too late, but I can definitely appreciate the sentiment.

And THEN, he made some reference to taking me to Santorini some day.

OK, you have to realize that that's the clincher here. That basically means I will marry you.

So, yes, I am stunned, and scared that he will propose to me in this bed, on this trip, and I will have to say.....honey, sorry, no. But he must have seen the look on my face cuz he said don't worry I'm not going to ask you to marry me.

Phew!!! Since the pressure was off, I was very much able to play along in our fantasy honeymoon. And I must admit it was pretty fun, and sexy. We made a lot of love in that room. The photo is mine (for a change). It's the view from the balcony of the room we stayed in. Makes a nice honeymoon spot, dontcha think?

bummed out

It all started when Rob asked me to help him pick out what to wear to a wedding we're going to next Saturday. I got to his house and he had pants strewn all over his bedroom, suits in the livingroom and white shirts on the kitchen table.

I sort of dread being fashion consultant to him because he hates shopping and he won't buy any clothes that are not competely comfortable. This is compounded by the fact that he is shorter than the average man, but his shoulders are wide (built!). Probably the main reason he hates shopping, cuz nothing ever fits right!

So, one by one, he tried on his suits and pants, and I kept saying no...not quite...too long...too big. There was one jacket that fit him better than the others and it was the only one I was willing to be seen with him in. It was a navy wool jacket. Unfortunately he did not have navy pants to go with it, and it's too late in the season to pair it with tan. And God forbid I let him wear black pants with it. (I wonder if he really would have tried to do that had I not mentioned it was WRONG.)

I said, you know what would look really great with this jacket? Some really dark jeans. He said like the ones you're wearing? And I said yes! Jokingly I said wanna try them on?

Before ya know it we discover that he fits into my jeans. He slips them on and I am astounded. He friggin looks hot. For the very first time in 3 years I can see his nice butt outlined. Not to mention his legs and that oh so delicious package in front. Yowsa. He looks better in my jeans than I do!

What do you think? That's me in the top 2, Rob in the bottom 2.

But, no, I will not let him wear my jeans to the wedding Saturday. Instead he will wear a pair of black pants, and a black shirt and his leather jacket. But more important than this, I feel the big victory is that he may now go out and buy a decent-fitting pair of jeans!!!! I can't wait! I think it made an impact when he saw how I drooled over him in them.

all is well in Andyworld

After several gruelling days of wondering what the hell Andy was thinking and feeling, the suspense came to an end.

On Tuesday night we chatted for a few minutes on Facebook. I soon realized from his tone that I was the one who had been doing all the worrying. He was his usual entertaining self. Having felt an initial sense of relief I proceeded to call him.

Hello Darlin'. Have I told you how beautiful you are today? I love how he says that. But before I let myself get completely swept up in him, I said that we needed to talk about some stuff. I explained that I'd been worried the past few days and hoped I hadn't upset him with my last email. And the fact that there had been no correspondence from him made me feel like he was pulling away. He assured me that he was all right with everything (ie, my situation), and that he had just been super busy with work stuff, and that really, nothing was wrong.

I finally took the time to explain my relationship with Rob. I thought it was important that Andy know what Rob means to me and how I need someone here--a friend, a helper, a lover. I told him that my intent was to get to know him (Andy) better over the next year or so and hopefully pursue a future together. He was completely fine with everything I said and I felt so much better getting it off my chest.

Not only was he understanding and accepting, but he said that he loves me and that nothing could stop that. It's like he can stand in front of a runaway train without fear. I am inspired by the strength of his faith in love.

I took this opportunity to tell Andy the words he'd been telling me all along. I had wanted to save them for the next time we are face to face, but I just couldn't wait. The time was right to say I love you Andy.

does this email to Andy make sense?

Dearest Andy,
I am worried that you're upset after the email I sent you yesterday. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, especially because you had the wall painting event, and I wanted you to be feeling up for that. I hope to God my email didn't mess you up. I tried to make sure you knew how I felt about you so you could focus on that and be your usual brilliant self last night.

I am thinking that since you haven't responded, either you're afraid to know more about my situation or you don't like it and just want it to go away. Andy, there's no doubt in my mind that I love you. I think I've been pretty clear that I want to explore a future with you. I am already thinking it into existence. WE are making our dream come true together. This is going to take some time. Maybe not a lot, but some....In the meantime I just want to be honest about my current situation. I need to be understood.

Let me explain. Back in August when we got together, you knew that I had a relationship and that I couldn't be your girlfriend. I let you kiss me because I wanted you to. And if it had been one or two kisses, it never would have crossed any boundaries. But the way we kissed, and the things we felt that night definitely moved us into new territory. I expected to be able to manage my new feelings.

After you left, I still felt you. You had inspired beautiful thoughts and feelings in me which I shared with you. I got very excited about you, your life, and what it might be like to work with you, live with you. We talked more often and we became close. The night we stumbled into phone sex, I realized I had to make a change in my life.

I went to Rob in the following days and told him that I needed to change the nature of our relationship. We've been together for 3 years. And although I had dated a couple other guys within that time, for the most part, we were in a committed, exclusive relationship. I told him I needed the freedom to explore a new kind of life. I told him that although I was intrigued by you, I was also feeling drawn in a new direction for other reasons (work, social, emotional). Long story short, he was hurt.

Rob and I are friends first and foremost. That's how it began with us. Besides my children, Rob is my only personal connection to the area. He's the only one I have to help me out here. We spend a lot of time together and yes, we have sex. He and I have dealt with this issue a couple times before, but it is bigger this time as I had never planned to be intimate with someone else before. Plus I am seriously considering leaving the area. He understands what I am asking for and knows I have to do what makes me happy, but he's not happy about it. On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and is willing to hang in as long as he can, even under these circumstances.

So what does all this mean to you? Well, hopefully you realize the impact you've had on my life and the risks I am willing to take to have a life with you. But that being said, I am still living, working and raising a daughter here and I need to maintain some sense of stability until I can make a move. I still need a friend closeby, someone to hang out with, someone to help when I need, and I still need sex. I may seem to be a totally independent and strong woman, but I am fragile too, as we all are sometimes only a thread away from total chaos.

As right as it feels to pursue a new life with you, we still don't know enough about each other. We need to spend some time together. Even then, it is sometimes scary to imagine making such a complete change. Giving up my job, my benefits, selling my house, leaving my family and a life I've known for forever it seems, moving my daughter and myself not only to a new country, but 2500 miles away where we will know no one but you.

But I also see it as a huge and exciting opportunity for both Danielle and me. I have never felt so compelled to do something like this before. There has never been another person in my life who gave me such reason to believe that I can have it. Thinking about it sort of produces an energy all of its own. But in order to pull it off, I need us to keep on believing that we can, and will, have this together. Our combined power can make it happen.

I need us to stay close to keep up the momentum. I need to know that you understand me and accept me. I am sensitive to the fact that you don't want to know details when it involves another man. But I have to be open about the big picture, and can't feel like I am hiding it from you. Even on a day to day basis, I need to be able to say things like 'Rob's coming over later'. We have to have enough trust and love to get us through.

Can you do this? I need to know what you're thinking. What can you handle and what can you not? What are your fears? What do you know in your heart? Darlin, I need to know you inside and out, so please don't be afraid to expose yourself to me. Even if you're not clear, blather on to me and you can sort it out later. I just ask that you speak out of love, as I will always try to do the same for you.

DinamoTalks turns 1

One year later and where am I?

#1 - I'm still bloggin and lovin it!

#2 - I'm still true to my mission which is to roll with the adventures of life with passion--whether for the good, the bad or the ugly. And to throw in a few sordid details for good measure.

#3 - I'm still healthy, free, full of gratitude (and some confusion).

#4 - I'm still not where I want to be as far as career, relationship or finances, but whatever...life goes on.

#5 - High points in the past year: my boss beat cancer and is perfectly healthy now, my daughter Maria and I have found peace in our relationship, Andy entered my life and rocked my world.

#6 - Low points - let's leave those in the past where they belong.

#7 - Expectations for the year ahead? Decide where to move and when, growth of my main relationship while keeping the peace in all other relationships, learn more and experience more, keep on blogging.

precious

I love that the value of some things in life simply can't be measured. I love how everyone is different, we see things differently, and we all value different things. And how the smallest, seemingly trivial things can be monumental to others. The quintessential beauty in the eye of the beholder.

Andy retired his favorite brush this week. It is the one pictured on the right (duh). Needless to say it was a sad parting for him. It had given him the best years of its life, and maybe his too. It was perfect for making nice crisp lines to emphasize the shapes he draws and paint the words that are the substance of the art he creates.

I was afraid he might toss the brush, so I asked if I could have it. He could have probably sold it on eBay or saved it a few years and auctioned it off for millions (I have faith in his success), but NOPE, he said he'd give it to me. He said he wanted me to have it.

Suhweeeeet! When I look at that brush, I see something precious...well, first I laugh, cuz hell, look at it! It's so quirky just like him. But it's so much more than a paintbrush. It's an extension of his arm, his passion, his mind. I imagine the hours he has held that brush in his hand, the colors and canvasses it has touched, the long nights it has seen.

It also represents how hard he's worked, this man who's pushed himself to do things he never thought that he could do, let alone be successful at. He will be the first to tell you he can't draw. Yet, he is now so successful that he can't keep up with the work that people want him to do. He is a rising star. And I am the proud owner of his paintbrush.

all roads lead to andy

I just googled directions to my Andy. To be more specific, I googled driving directions from my house to his.

When it digested our addresses, a map and driving route popped up. I was friggin looking at the bulk of North America. Even though I know he lives far away from me, it was still a little shocking to see the amount of country that lay between us.

I proceeded to scroll through the directions listed. It's so weird to see things like passing through Iowa, Entering Nebraska and Passing through Arizona, Nevada, Entering California. And the real 'holy shit' was the 1 day and 15 hours of driving time separating us. (Of course, there's air travel, but that wouldn't make as dramatic a point now, would it?)

When love calls, physical distance is merely a technicality. I feel him close in spirit and mind, and we will also be close in the physical plane soon enough.

If I stop and think about all the circumstances that have been created in my life over the past while, I can start to see a master plan evolving. Things like my dissatisfaction with a stagnant relationship (with Rob), my need to sink my teeth into something more exciting careerwise and socially, my finances taking a dive (creating a need to make a move), the new PR and media experience I've gained through my job (that could be really useful to Andy), even my joints getting sore with the onset of cold damp weather....

It seems that all roads lead to LA.

nurse dinamo

Yesterday I was the glue. I visited my sister, my mother and my father, all in different locations. Each is in need of repair, so to speak, so I decided to head back home and make a clean sweep.

Since I'm feeling strong and well-fortified with love these days, I thought it my family duty to spread a little around. I started with Lynn, my sister. I spent the night at her new apartment and found out she wasn't nearly as heartbroken as I had thought over a recent issue with her lover. Well I guess not, considering she spent a couple hours chatting with new prospects on match.com. I watched in amusement.

Next stop was Mom's. She's been really stressed worrying about my sister, plus she's lonely since her boyfriend kind of left to do his own thing. So I did a lot of listening and not much talking. It's kind of weird because she has no clue about my newest relationship with Andy. She's in the dark about a big part of my life. But that's ok. It wasn't about me today.

Final stop was to visit my dad in the hospital. He's been there for 2 months now. This is a man I've gotten to know better in the last 2 months than for all of my life. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and I never really felt like he was a father to me. Nice man, but he could never relate to my world, or me to his. Before this hospital stay I would see him maybe 3 times a year.

Now when I see him I feel like I am doing something really valuable. I am filling his empty life with something good. He smiles when he sees me walk in, and I've had the chance to show my love to him in ways I normally wouldn't. I've stroked his hand to help him feel better or to wake him up, I've fed him, and I've given him hugs that last longer than the usual 3 times a year hugs.

It is depressing to go into the hospital and to imagine what its' like to be stuck in there so long. But when I am with him, and long after I've left, I feel uplifted and grateful that I've been given the chance to share my love.

I have also been amused by some things I've heard and observed during recent visits. I realized where I got my beautiful feet! Dad's feet are probably the nicest feet I've ever seen on a man. Which helps make up for the fact that his ears are enormously big. When did that happen?!

Also, he told me about being in the National Guard when he was young (I never knew that), and once told a facinating story about how he was getting out of the hospital beacuse he had to go photograph President Obama. Although I think that was a delusion from some of the drugs they'd given him. Entertaining nonetheless!

love soup

The love-a-thon burgeoned out of control the other night. I'm still spinning, wondering WTF happened??

Andy and I had made a phone date. We decided we'd each have a bottle of red wine on hand to make it feel more like a real date. So I called him (my turn this time) and we each proceeded to tell about our day. It always starts that way, then he'll randomly say something like did anyone tell you how beautiful you are today? and I proceed to melt.

Then I sigh and he melts and just adds more unbelievably romantic words to the love soup. Sometimes it gets sexual, sometimes not. It happened to go all the way that night. We were having fun and getting along just fine when I looked over at the clock and realized we'd been talking for over 2 hours and it was past my bedtime--waaaay!

Usually that wouldn't be a huge concern, except that the next morning I had to host a big event at work. I was entertaining a group of VIPs for 2 days, and everyone would be looking to me to run the show. gasp.

We said our goodbyes and I tried to go to sleep. My mind and my heart were reeling. I couldn't stop thinking about the way he spoke to me. It was as if we were seasoned lovers, a real couple. It was powerful stuff and left me with such strong feelings for him. I lay in my bed, tossed it around in my head, and the hours passed.

The more hours that passed, the more panicked I felt about not sleeping. I just couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't relax. It worsened the closer the morning came. Finally I slept from 5-6am. But my mind started racing as soon as I awoke again, so I gave it up. I figured the best I could do was get ready for work, pop a Tylenol and a cup of strong tea and face the music.

I felt loads better, though not perfect. I managed to get through that day's events without a hiccup - THANK YOU GOD!! I slept like a sweet dream that night and the next day I was brilliant. Man was I lucky. Not sure I'll play that late night love game again anytime soon, especially when the stakes are so high.

love-a-thon

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet! What a rockin' weekend. I don't know if it's cuz I'm ovulating or what, but I'm just exuding love.

It started on Friday night. I went over to Rob's to watch a movie. He proceeded to hand me 3 lavender roses signifying our 3-yr anniversary, plus a giant bottle of our favorite whiskey, plus a card with handwritten sentiment! I felt a bit dorkish not having made a big deal of our 3 years together. It just didn't seem appropriate under the circumstances. Anyway, I was very touched by his efforts and I thanked him profusely.

We ended up in our usual movie-watching position--my head on his lap. He strokes my hair endlessly and I fight to stay awake and feel totally pampered. I invited him to spend the night at my place. And he did. We had awesome sex and slept like a couple of cozy pretzels all night. We'd practically melded by morning, and neither of us was in a hurry to leave the bed.

Later Saturday I ran into Andy online and we chatted awhile and flirted. I was left wanting more and had lots more to give to him, but he had to go do some research for an upcoming project. Saturday night Rob came over again. I lit candles and opened the whiskey bottle. We sat on my couch for 2 hours and talked. About deep stuff, just like I like it. I need it. It certainly set the stage for an emotional night.

We went up to bed and proceeded to have some pretty mind-blowing sex. We saw sides of each other we hadn't seen in about half a year. It was hot and sweet and lusty and deep. More overnight pretzeling and morning lingering. It was all good.

Then yesterday afternoon I was cooking alone in my kitchen and Andy called me. His timing was perfect. I'd just put my beef stew in the oven and had about half a glass of yummy cab sauv in me. We talked for an hour I'd say. I was feeling really outgoing and loving. I freely told him how I felt about him and he was equally expressive. Heavenly!

At one point when we were discussing our plans for seeing each other I said that I thought I should go out to see him in the spring, to see if I like it there. He was agreeable. Then I asked him if he thought I should look for a job while I'm out there. It was quiet for a few seconds, then he said he was tearing up. I was touched that I had touched him. Whoa, I felt like a million bucks. Even though I can't touch him or make love to him, he feels me and I feel him. It's a beautiful relationship. Young and sweet.

Do you believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time? I do. I have done it before and I am doing it again. It's so fulfilling and feels so good. If everyone's feeling loved, how can it be wrong? It can't!