uh oh

I'm now 11 days late. I can't tell if my hot flashes are authentic or if they're anxiety-induced because they start in the seconds after I wake up just as reality downloads into my brain. I finally bought a home pregnancy test today. Gonna use it tonight after Andy goes out. The next time I post I'll know. Not enjoying this one bit.

the spice of life

Sex has been so deliciously steamy lately. I think I've finally got my man where I want him--amorous, attentive and patient enough to savor the entire experience as it was meant to be. Variety is sweet and there's so much more to lovemaking than fucking! We're on our way to sacred sex. I feel it coming...pun intended.

He's totally fascinated with the grab bag of sexy things we do and seems more intent on playing with all the toys than firing his gun as fast as he can. What used to take 20 mins is now about an hour of bliss. And I can tell that delaying the big O is rewarding for him by the sounds he makes when he finally lets go. Music to my ears!

One of the things I am happiest about is the foundation we seem to be building through our lovemaking. Whereas there used to be times when I sensed he was driven only by lust and animalistic urges, now his actions seem to stem from a deeper love for me. I feel like he wants to know me and love me more so than ever before. Although I had expressed my concerns (about feeling loved during sex) earlier, I think that time has been the biggest factor in the change. It probably took him awhile to believe that I was really here, living with him, and he didn't have to rush through sex because I'd be leaving soon. Silly boy.

Yeah, so in all this sex play over the last couple weeks we've kind of been passing on the condoms. They are so very inconvenient when you're changing gears every few minutes. There's nothing worse than the taste of a lubricated condom. Plus the feeling of skin sliding right against skin is sooooo delicious. I love when there's nothing between us.

We know better, but admittedly we've been blowing it off, letting ourselves get lost in the moment. Well, we have been somewhat careful by not having him cum in me. But needless to say, my fingers are crossed that we don't have an accident. I feel like a teenager again, anxiously awaiting my period that is 3 days late...and counting. Chances are I'm not so fertile anymore, but I've sure increased the odds by numbers alone.

remembering the goddess

This seems to be the week of validation. Weird, but I got another reminder of how I impacted the life of someone from my past who's apparently still pining for me. This one, however, was kind of creepy because I hadn't seen or heard anything from this guy in almost 30 years, yet he chose to be uncomfortably forward in his email. Can you say creepy?

What's sad is that this kid was a really nice boy and the most amazing guitarist at only 16. He had such talent. But later I had heard that he'd moved to LA and got caught up in the drug scene, like the hard stuff, and kind of trashed his chance at musical success.

I couldn't resist showing someone this email, since it was too inappropriate to share with Andy. My commentary's in italics.

You look like your picture is from high school. He's referring to my photo on Classmates.com, the cheesy website where old friends and creeps alike can contact you again. You married one lucky son-of-a-nice guy probably. Little does he know. What can I say I still remember this one day super vividly. No one has ever come close. He's referring to my skill on the one afternoon when we were teenagers and I brought him up to my bedroom to make out with him. Er...which led to a BJ. My wife is really cool, from brooklyn. Left LA with her and, oh yeah, 3 KIDS. But If I could go back and relive one afternoon. you probably have no idea what im talking about. if you do then neither one of us can forget true perfection. Well, yes, I do remember the sexual encounter cuz he was a cute kid and I had a crush on him for a long time. But true perfection??? I think not. Well, at least it wasn't for me. Maybe I just dreamed i spent an afternoon with an angel who had permission to do things the other angels couldn't come close. I think he means that other girls my age didn't do that to boys. I had an early calling. And I do like being called an angel. ;) I have grown up, and, i pray neither of our spouses sees this, but i had to look to see which place i was in. I haven't a clue what he means. heaven came down to me and Ill never, even this many years later forget how much in love with you i was. REally? That's sweet, and awkward. You arent human, Thanks. Like my Wife, huh? You are an angel that fell to earth. Your husband, if you're married still, better appreciate your heart, smile and grammatical skill. ROFL! What?? Grammatical skill? He remembers my grammar and the BJ. you could spell so well, i had to look to see were the 'words' were cum, sorry coming from. sorry bad joke. Eww, that's just creepy. But the truth is no joke, damn, the one that got away. I hiope you are happy cuz just seeing your picture made me think of one of the few times in my life i was really happy. Pretty sad that he hasn't been that happy ever since, considering he married someone and had 3 children with her. I hope you feel that now, you deserve it. U R still a Goddess. There's the validating line. Bored, Depressed and back in hometown name inserted here since 2007, i just finished a solo record, i hope someone will care. Obviously he's hoping that I'll care. And basically I would have dropped a line, but the message was so convoluted and gross that I surmised that he's still on drugs. No thanks. Sorry Pal. But thanks for reminding me that I am a goddess.

worth wanting

I'd spent the beginning of the week feeling dejected, depleted, and just plain sick of looking for work with so little response. Wondering if I'd ever feel like a productive and valued human being in the workplace again I was starting to give thought to what I'd do if I really couldn't find work in LA.

For sure I would feel totally fucked. I would forever live in disbelief at how my well-laid plans could go awry.

Well, that was Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. On Thursday a glimmer of hope arrived. An agency I had applied to wanted to schedule me for a test. I'd gotten through the pre-screening phone interview and they were committing to a test. We booked that. A second company also finally emailed me and asked to have a phone call next week. Great news!

On Friday I decided to ride into the city with Andy to meet a friend of his who wants him to do a painting on a wall in her house. She and I got to talking and found out that one of her best friends owns an agency that specializes in the kind of work that I do...and they are hiring! I felt like I hit the jackpot. The rest of the day I walked a little lighter, felt like I had a lot more to smile about and could finally allow myself to enjoy the present. I felt like the old me--the one who knew who she was. I felt a sense of belonging for the first time since moving to this city.

It got even better. While I was standing at the BBQ grilling some chicken for dinner, I received a call from agency #1 for an in-person interview. That is, they scheduled a meeting even before I'd taken the test. Niiice! Things are def happening.

Saturday morning Andy and I are in bed making passionate love when my Android pings. I ignore it at the time, but wondering who would be emailing me on the old Gmail account that I had only used for live chats with a old lover (and to set up my new Android this past summer).

Oh God, it was Cam. I hadn't heard from him in over 3 years. He was wondering how I was, and the kids, that kind of stuff. And he said he hoped I didn't mind him emailing me. It stopped me in my tracks.

A lot went through my mind for the next few hours. I wanted to respond but then again I didn't. I certainly didn't want to dredge up all those heated memories and emotions. I know my limits and Cam is dangerous for me. And Andy is too important to me. I've made a commitment to give this relationship my full attention. I couldn't let it go astray because of Cam. It would be the worst thing ever to do to Andy.

I also started to question why now? If something had been terribly wrong in Cam's life I think he would have said so. Maybe he's available again and fishing for info on my status. Maybe he was just bored. Regardless of his reason, I needed to know on a deeper level, why did this come to me right now?

What I decided was that Cam's email was a reminder that I am wanted. People want me. Businesses want me, too. And I'm not supposed to forget that. His message came in order to support the events of the last couple days and to remind me that I am worth wanting.

I thanked the universe for sending the message through someone whose opinion I trust and hold close. I'll do my best to use it over the next couple weeks to keep the fire burning and impress the hell out of these employers. I'm ready to deal with multiple job offers. Kind of reminds me of when I sold my house. Bidding war? Bring it on.

love nest

It's gotten really warm and cozy in our little love nest. I have proven to myself once again that an open heart = better love. Duh.

It happened on the living room floor. We had just smudged the apartment together that morning, having agreed that we needed to get rid of all the bad energy that had somehow accumulated over the last couple months. After the sage smoke cleared, we thanked each other, hugged and felt instantly drawn to each other once again.

By the afternoon it was too big to resist. Our passion, that is. He grabbed me from behind and unzipped my jeans, pulling them down just low enough to expose my butt. He turned me around, hands firmly planted on my butt and pulled me in for a very wet kiss as our equally hungry mouths met. I noticed how good he always smells...his breath, just the skin on his face. I get lost in him.

Still locked in a kiss we worked ourselves down to the floor. He stripped me naked from the waist down and dove in to tend to my fire with his hot mouth. Every time he goes down on me it gets better and better. It's so fun to learn each other sexually, to find exactly what makes each other go over the edge, or better yet, keep them dangling precariously on the edge until you decide to push them into a lusty freefall.

It was a crazy hot love session. My orgasm was quite loud. Good thing we had shut the windows after clearing the apartment. After I came we did some serious fucking which was followed by his 2 consecutive, yes 2, orgasms--one all over my stomach and the second one more strategically placed less than a minute later. All I could say was wow. I'd never seen him do that before, and it was way cool!

I am starting to enjoy the never ending surprises in this place. Except for the rug burn on my back, but it was so worth it.

rememoried

Lately there have been days when I've found it hard to identify the source of my unhappiness. Is it lack of a job? A dwindling bank account? Feeling homesick? Cabin fever? Disappointing relationship? Fear of failure?

Deep down I knew that all these factors were only temporary. But I had one nagging concern about my relationship with Andy. I was afraid that we just didn't have the potential to reach the big future we had dreamed of. Either I'd been totally unrealistic about our love, or his habits had gotten the best of me or I was just completely flat from the stress of the last 4 months.

Then something saved me. I stood back from everything and remembered a nugget of wisdom from my history. Instead of looking at my partner or the situation around me to pin the blame on, I looked inside myself. What part was I playing in the perceived demise of our relationship?

I suddenly remembered a discovery from my past: the magnitude of love I felt coming from my partner was dependent on and equal to the degree to which I opened my heart to it. I needed to allow the love to come in to me, and to receive it willingly. As best as I could recall, I'd never been let down by this practice. In the case of Rob especially, his love reflected mine. The more I opened my heart to him, the more love and intensity I felt coming from him. He even used to say that he purposely reflected me. He'd adapt to my level of love--when we were very close and our relationship was moving forward he gave me all his love and emotion. But when we were more reserved in our relationship (like when I was dating someone else) he held back as I did, we each preserved and protected ourselves from possible hurt, but the emotion was stifled too. As a result the love and sex were not quite as fulfilling.

This made me realize that I had been blocking Andy's love. Through denial or deflecting, I'm not sure, but it brought up some great questions to ask myself. Like WHY!? And here's how my mind responded...

• Trying to find myself again and reclaim my identity meant pushing Andy away to see who I was without him. I'm so fiercely independent and need to know I can do something completely on my own that I deny his attempts at help.
• I was angry at Andy for not fully appreciating everything I did to get here, how much work and expense I have endured, and all that I left behind.
• I was angry at myself for not handling the adjustment better/stronger/faster. Therefore I did not deserve to have his love. How could he love me when I felt like such a loser?
• I compared his love to Rob's and decided he just wouldn't measure up. He couldn't help solve my problems or guide me with the wisdom that Rob still continued to do. He wasn't the gentle lover that I longed for, who gave me endless comfort. He didn't know me inside out, and didn't seem to want to know much about my world, so how could he ever love me enough? So I blocked the love he did try to give me.

All this nonsense aside, I did something that made all the difference and instantly changed my outlook on the future of our relationship. While Andy was out one night I reread my blog posts about him.

I read about the day we met again after 29 years when he read his book to me next to the lake while we polished off a bottle of wine. I read about the accidental phone sex that catapulted us into an official relationship. I read about my fantasy trip to Santorini with him where we began the next chapter of our lives. I read about the moment I knew that Andy could fulfill the family dreams I'd always had. And finally, how he said if you jump, I will catch you.

It was all I needed to bring back reasons to let his love in. And with that realization everything was different moving forward.

When he came home late that night and climbed into bed with me, I cradled my warm body next to his. I tucked my knees in to fit against the back of his legs, wrapped my arm around the front of him resting my hand on his chest, pulled myself closer to him and laid my face on his back where I could hear his heartbeat. The sounds of a contented love escaped through his breath. My reward.

All was well in my world again. I only wish I had remembered sooner.

WANTED: Joy (Part II)

What is my joy, where are all the things that fed me and fuelled my passion for living and loving? I need to get in touch with these things again. My life depends on it. Let’s rewind and see what we can find.

I seem to remember the joy that my sex life used to produce. Hours of intense lovemaking led to not only physical pleasure, but emotional bonding, even on a spiritual level. I felt God’s presence regularly in the bedroom. So why can’t I have that now? Because God needs more than 20 minutes’ notice? Because two are more powerful than one in the spiritual arena and right now I’m the only one thinking beyond sex as pleasure?

Music is another thing that used to make me feel alive and really charged inside. Since I moved in with Andy I’ve put my musical tastes second to his as music is so much more a part of his daily life than it was mine. Maybe that was a mistake, even though I like most of his music. Last night I escaped to the bedroom where my stereo lives. I closed the door and sunk into total bliss as I listened the entire Grace CD by Jeff Buckley (one of my favourites). My mind had been craving something that complex, intense and beautiful. I loved being surrounded, totally enveloped by it. It reminded me of who I am. It reminded me of Cam. Most of all it reminded me how music moves me.

Being in the presence of great people used to excite me. When Andy is working a show he becomes a personality that is totally attractive and inspiring to me. I am trying to find that spark in him while he is living the other more normal parts of life, but I haven’t found enough of it to satisfy me yet. Still I miss the other great people I used to get to be with. Distance now separates me from most of them, and technology doesn’t quite close the gap. People don’t always take the time to keep in touch. And when they do I can’t look them in the eye, share a drink with them, or feel their hearts when we hug. There is a face-to-face energy that I really crave.

Creativity…there’s another possibility. Should I start drawing again? I’ve heard myself say I’d do that over the years and still haven’t. I had talent. I wonder if I still do, and if it would feel good to draw again? Then there’s the writing thing. Not feeling as confident about that. I feel I used to be much better at writing a few years ago than I am today. Today I mostly use writing as therapy. If it gets good, it does, but I can’t get caught up in that. My limited audience will have to endure my creative block.

I love the endorphin rush of a good workout. So I've started working out twice a week instead of once. Good for the heart, the mind, and I like my thighs a lot better too. I'll keep this up as long as I can.

My passion for living and loving feels just out of reach. I know it's something I can have again, I just have to find my way back to it. So, what's stopping me? I really can't look to anyone but myself, can I? Maybe it's time to take a serious look at myself and what I've created. How has my reality deviated so far from the dream?

WANTED: Joy (Part I)

It’s peculiar how you can forget what really makes you happy. You’d think that you’d always remember these things, sort of like riding a bike. If you’ve done it and lived it, it should be part of you forever, no?

Here I sit in LA land (aka LALA land), where all my dreams pointed to for the last 2 years. I moved mountains to uproot my life and relocate here. My heart and the promise of fulfilling my highest aspirations fuelled me through the challenges of coordinating a massive move for both my daughter and myself, including selling our house, leaving family and friends and shipping our possessions.

I moved in with my love Andy, my daughter is thriving at her new school, the weather is to die for and I’ve had all summer to play and discover my new world. Sounds awesome. Then why has Dinamo lost her passion for living and loving? Basically I feel like I’m on the edge of flatlining.

#1 reason: I need to work. I need to get an actual job, not just spend hours a day looking for one. Between perfecting my resume and cover letters to be my most fabulous self on paper, browsing career websites, applying for jobs and reading the masses of industry articles I’ve subscribed to in order to stay current, I literally spend about 5-6 hrs a day online. I now hate my computer…and the whole process of looking for work. Especially when you find out through CareerBuilder’s ‘fantastic’ little feature outlining the competition that 279 other people also applied for the same job that you did.

#2 reason: I feel alone. Andy is sweet, but he can’t provide me with a lot of what I need. A girl needs her own circle of friends to hang with and talk to. I love looking at his face, but it is now burned in my retina. Variety please!! Andy and I don’t have the depth in our relationship that I want and need. He rarely asks me questions about what I like, what I feel, what I dream…sometimes feels like he’s just not that into me, but how do I dare say that when I know he adores me? I also feel like I have to solve all my problems myself. He helps me the very best he can, but he doesn’t have experience dealing with pressures and complex issues. So I’m either on my own, or I call Rob for help which luckily he is still willing to give.

#3 reason: I’ve lost touch with my spirituality. The fact that I’ve been in mere survival mode over the last couple months means I have pushed aside my relationship with the higher power. I am in such unfamiliar territory, physically, emotionally and mentally. This is where I should find the greatest use of my faith, yet I overlook it. My mother and Rob both have strong spiritual leanings and they remind me of its power in their own gentle ways. Maybe I need to be beat over the head with it. Or hit rock bottom (oh, please no).

Rob sent me Deepak Chopra’s Book of Secrets last week. I am more than half way through it already. The timing was right for me and it’s reminded me that I need to get back to seeking my joy on a daily basis. I def have not been doing that. When I am feeling like shit, how can I attract the job of my dreams? As long as there is no vibrational match, my job and I will not meet. I have to get in the right state of mind for it to come. And I do believe that. In the past I've been able to get there. Why is it so hard now?

Because I can't find my joy.

fading

Tonight I was being curious and mischievous by delving back into a past love life. I dug up some of my 'starred' gmail chats with Cam from 2006. These are the treasures of love that will live forever in the archives of my old gmail account...the one we used for keeping our channel of communication open for hours as we worked at our desks thousands of miles away. Of course this was pre-Skype. Hopefully these precious records of our gmail chats will live forever as does the love for a soulmate. And Cam was mine.

To add the context surrounding this chat, these messages were written in the months following our 4 day reunion--the only 4 days we spent together. Although we both wanted to preserve the intensity of those days, we had both added new relationships to our lives and were trying to adjust to that. But our love lived on for quite a while. Just for the record, I've had no communication with Cam in about 3 years now, since he turned down my invitation to move to my town/country and make a go of it.

Dinamo wrote:
What do I mean when I say I'm scared of you fading? I'm scared of losing my memory of you and our 4 days together, the intensity of it, the specifics of it, like how my heart jumped when I caught you looking at me, what it was like to cuddle up next to you on that plump couch in the spa, to sweat with you in the hot springs, to smell your skin in soft dark places, to be driven through the ceiling by your fingers, the taste of your tears, the pride I felt watching you when we were out, to wake up to you and to be awakened by your touch, your million dollar smile, your sneeze, the way you opened doors for me and wanted to pay for everything, the bliss of the silence between us, the bump on your forearm, the anticipation of all the "firsts" we experienced, wearing your shirt and tucking notes in secret places to surprise you, laughing at your stories, feeling certain songs together, holding your hand and you liking it, feeling your passion as your mouth found its love, the little things you noticed like it was our first time driving in a car together, the way I knew how important I was to you, and knowing that no one's love could ever surpass ours, gazing while we ate drank and made love, learning about you and all you've done, the sex feast, your eyes, the sounds you made, the words of love you spoke. I want to keep all of it, I want to give to you better than anyone else can, I want it to remain sacred and untouchable. I love you. D

Cam's Reply:
That's it... Sacred. That makes me cry.

That's what I want, sacredness between us. That's what I experienced and what I think we are just scratching the surface of. Thank you for this idea and what you wrote. I am overwhelmed with you in this moment.
love, c

And why did I post this, you ask? There is a part of me that is searching for the depth in a relationship that I so crave. Andy and I don't have it yet and I miss it. I am willing to wait until it grows for us, but in the meantime I am trying to make it tangible in my life somehow. It makes me feel good to remember how special I was to someone, and how we could express our deepest feelings to each other. That's what seemed to feed the relationship for the longest time.

the housebitch

OK, so I've been using my voice now that I found it. I'm trying to ask for what I need, express my feelings and just plain speak more--my goal was to use at least 2-3x the words that I used to. The problem I now face is that I hear myself sounding like a bitch. I seem to be speaking a lot about what needs to be done next in the home. Which makes me sound like a mother.

And although I am a mother, I'm not Andy's mother. And I do NOT want to sound like a nag. But why does no one see all these things that need to be done? As I see it, this leaves me with these alternatives:

1. Do it myself. Yes, frankly I do it best anyway, but what does that teach anyone? That they can continue to leave it to me. No thanks. I feel taken advantage of. Besides, if I just do it myself I will resent it. And we all know that resentment leads to a lot less fun in the bedroom.



2. Let it go. This works temporarily in the case of sneakers in the middle of the floor. Granted there are times when Andy trips over them and then moves them himself. But then there's the case of the closet in which clothes get tossed up onto the shelf. Over a period of time this grows into a pre-avalanche state. Or if no one goes to get groceries, we eat cereal for dinner and my kid eventually dies of malnutrition.



3. Ask for help. No matter how I do this, I hear myself as boss. Why do I have direct my housemates in what needs to be done? The frustrating part is that I shouldn't have to ask (the obvious). I shouldn't have to ask for the same things week after week. Can't everybody just put their dishes in the dishwasher, or run it when it is full? Or think about what dinner will be? I shouldn't be so hesitant to ask when others are quick to ask me to get/do something for them as they lay on the couch/bed because I am up anyway. Yes, because I am always up doing the things that need to be done! This annoys me and makes me feel like a servant. And then I feel guilty when I don't carry out the favor. Hmmph.



4. Leave. I could leave the house for hours and just let them fend for themselves. It's because when I am there I am the superhuman solver of all problems/inconveniences in the home that I end up doing too much. I have to find a way to stop. Ideally I'd like to start working in a great job where sneakers in the middle of the floor at home are the last things on my mind. They'd be better off without me (at home), and I think I'd be better off mentally. But until that job and I get hooked up, I have this little issue to deal with. Or better said, they have me to deal with.
   
   I feel the bitch in me just a-brewing. I need the cure.

finding my voice

I suppose as I look back on these days a year from now, it'll all be a blur. Kind of like a dream that floats from fantasy to nightmare and back and forth again. Visions of palm trees swaying in the ocean breeze give way to the incessant shrill of sirens and racing engines outside our bedroom window. It's sensory overload.

I made a conscious choice to seek a new kind of life that would challenge me to reach the next level--for my career, my social life, my love life. At the center of that new life is a man who is charming, brilliantly creative and totally in love with me. But also included in the package is a quirky artist who's pretty high strung sometimes, likes a lot of attention and has just a touch of an ego. OK, it's more than a touch, but it's not bad....really.

Andy likes to talk. He spends a lot of time talking...to me, to friends, basically anyone he can. It's another outlet for his creative energy I guess. I don't have that need. I usually prefer writing my thoughts and feelings over talking, unless, of course, I am coaxed with a beverage, or if someone shows great interest in what I have to say. Also I tend to clam up when things are bothering me, and as you know, things have been bothering me. Rob was great for drawing out all sorts of stuff from me, but Andy hasn't discovered the value in that yet. He's still learning me.

My point in all this chatter is that Andy's habit of talking a lot mixed with my tendency to be somewhat quiet, plus the anxiety I've felt trying to find my own identity here has led to me kind of lose my voice.

One day last week Andy and I had coffee with a friend of his I hadn't yet met. Wow, was I in for a treat. This woman, instead of talking about herself (which many people out here seem to do), asked question upon question of me! I suddenly rose to the occasion and enjoyed a real conversation with her. Like a long lost friend I heard my own voice speaking again. I did more talking in that hour than in all the time I've been out here.

And the best part of it all was that it made me feel good again. I felt real. I felt validated. It kind of bothers me that it took that conversation to realize what had gone wrong with me. But I didn't dwell on that. I tucked it in my pocket and took it with me for next time.

Last night after some sex play with Andy I voiced my opinion on something that normally I would have kept to myself. He responded perfectly. I can see that this new thing called communicating through spoken words is working, so I'm going to keep building on it.

It feels like I'm a long way from reaching the next level in my career, my social life and my love life. But if I find ways to reclaim my identity I think the power that comes from that will propel me to where I want to be even faster.

dark sex

I am a strong believer that you need to feel good about what you do. This applies to everything from how you earn a living, to what you eat, to killing a spider. If you repeatedly do some action that just doesn't sit right with you, there will be repercussions.

I have been following this philosophy for quite some time. I had settled into a routine life back in my small northeast town and therefore had the ability to assess everything new that tried to make its way into my world.

Since moving to Los Angeles, everything is turned upside down. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration. But for a woman who can get quite comfortable (bored yes, but comfortable) with routine, it sure seems like this is an extreme change to the life I knew! My point is that I am bordering on overstimulation in my new surroundings and have kind of lost my equilibrium, or sense of what's best for me. In this new, somewhat precarious position I now call life, I was not careful about what I let enter my world.

Here's Andy, my sweet, adoring boyfriend that I finally get to live with! As lighthearted, fun and talented as he is, the man has an affinity for some hardcore activities in the bedroom. I'm no prude myself, and honestly I found this aspect of our love life very attractive after having a very gentle, but passive boyfriend. Granted, Rob was an extraordinary lover, but it was unnatural for a guy with his loving nature to get down and dirty. Andy does not have that problem. In fact, he took me some places (sexually speaking) that really did it for me. And I wanted more of that.

So now we are living together and we are basically having sex as often as we like. Which is a lot. But there have been some instances where I found myself feeling bad after sex. Kind of defiled. The first couple times I didn't say anything. But finally I spoke up and told him that during those certain acts I can't feel his love for me. I don't mind being filthy dirty, but I need to sense his underlying love and care for me while he's holding my head in place, shoving his cock down my throat. I mean I hope he realizes in those moments that I need to breathe. What scared me about it most was that he might actually be getting off on the fact that he was hurting me, because I sensed that at the time. But when I told him that he had pushed me beyond my limit and that that was too dark for me, he apologized, and he's been much more considerate since.

There have been some other things he has done that I've felt not mentally ready for, but because they were pretty stimulating physically I let him continue. But later I was left feeling unsettled. I find myself in unchartered sexual territory with Andy, which is kind of surprising based on my experience.

I believe that the negative feelings I've had about some of our sexcapades led to trouble last week. Without getting into detail, I came down with a condition that not only halted our sex life for a couple weeks, but could change the way we relate to each other forever. It has not been fun and it is more than I am ready to deal with so early in our life together. I hope it doesn't damage our bond which is really only in its infancy. I think it will all depend on how we react and respond to each other from here on in.

Life has been kind of hard lately. I trust it will get better.

finding dinamo

I feel like I've been AWOL. I've been placed in a foreign land (by my own choosing, I know, I know). Most of what felt like me has been left behind and I am faced with the task of reinventing my life in this new world.

I have good days and bad days. They usually alternate. This is different for me--I don't recall having so many days where I felt unsure of myself, sad, even isolated. But I am patient with myself as I kind of predicted that this could happen. Big transitions take time. It's like I am swimming, treading water, meanwhile reminding myself how beautiful the scenery is. I ordered this. For sure it is work, taking my energy and focus, yet I turn my attention to the positives on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

Although I am getting used to a lot of my surroundings, most of the time I still feel like an outsider. Will I ever feel like an Angeleno?

One little discovery which I now celebrate on a regular basis is the art of finding myself through drinking. Andy took me to a hipster bar he really likes and it turns out I like it too. Their whiskey pour is extremely generous...to the point where I cannot finish the whole glass and walk out of there. But I also feel like I fit there. It's dark and full of billowy fabrics and leather couches and the music is pretty eclectic and not blaring. It promotes conversation unlike most bars I've been in.

When I drink I start to feel alive again. I feel like it's safe to come out. The protective walls that I have built up around me are no longer needed. I feel sharper, prettier, more confident and basically, like I am frigging enjoying life like I am supposed to. There's a surge inside of me that reassures me YES, I CAN DO THIS. HOW GREAT IS THIS??!!

So I am suddenly a million bucks. I react to Andy in a better way. Admiring him again I give myself more freely, I think more about our future together. And I remember the dream more clearly. The clouds had been darkening the dream, but the alcohol seems to bring it back to me where it can remind me why I am here and give me the strength to move forward.

I need to have more fun and less fear. If alcohol helps me do that, then I'm all for it...in reasonable amounts, of course.

who am i?

Who have I become? Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. Don't ask me though, cuz I really don't know. I have too much time on my hands, and too little purpose.

As I am a doer, I am finding myself filling my day with follow up phone calls to companies who haven't done what they said they were going to do, educating myself on how to invest in mutual funds (dry, yes, but essential), turning off lights and electronic equipment that other people have left on, and rearranging everyone's dishes in the dishwasher to achieve maximum efficiency in a load.

OMG I need to get back to work! Before my roommates kick me out!

I am trying my damnedest not to judge other people's ability to relax when there are things to be done. I am trying to remember that one of my goals in moving here was to become more laid back and spontaneous. I am certainly drinking more :) and sleeping in more. And I do have sex more often, though more would be even funner!

Basically, I've been off of work for almost 2 months. I love to work (usually). It makes me feel important, it defines me. In the absence of professional me, I've let myself sink back into the housewife and mother role--yecch--which makes me feel kind of used and unrewarded. And frustrated! Just because I can cook and clean doesn't mean I want to take on those roles full-time.

And I'm not one to speak up (to Andy). Instead I just do it till I'm exasperated, shoot off little sarcasms, then I withdraw. I know that's not a very good way to solve the problem, but right now I am finding it hard to do the right thing. I don't have full control over who I am, so the last thing I feel like tackling is a conversation about who I want to be.

i found some nature

In one of my early LA adventures, Andy & I went for a mystery drive. It was about 6pm and we thought we'd head west to watch the sunset. Living in the Valley I assumed we'd eventually reach the edge of the mountains that encompass this valley. And from there I thought chances would be good that we could park somewhere and catch a gorgeous California sunset.

I wasn't too far off re: my geography. We drove maybe 20 minutes and we reached a higher elevation. We stumbled upon what looked like a state park. We parked in the park's parking lot. (ok, that was a fun use of the word park, but I'll stop now.)

We got out and looked to see the beautiful valley behind and below us. Ahead of us were yellow and brown grassy covered hills--mighty hills. I suppose these were part of the mountains. It was picturesque in a new kind of way. This was something I had not experienced before.

As we headed down a dirt path I was immediately struck by how dry everything was. The dirt was more like dust than dirt. It hadn't seen a drop of moisture in months, or so it appeared. As we walked, we stirred up little dust clouds with our feet. I could feel the dust/dirt on my face, in my mouth and on my eyeballs. Very weird sensation.

My second impression of this place was the silence that it held. It was....beautiful. Sweet, sweet silence broken only by the song of crickets, the flutter of birds' wings, and distant voices of hikers on the next hill. I stopped on the path and watched the silence just happen. It brought tears to my eyes. I felt Rob's spirit--my early hiking partner and Nature Boy extraordinaire. He would be happy that I had found some nature again.

Andy came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed a tear as it ran down my dusty cheek. We held hands and walked further down the path, talking a little and half listening for the rustling of rattlesnakes. I was not dressed for this. I'd worn flip flops which had now turned light grey from the dust. Ewww.

At one point on the path I caught the distinct scent of licorice. I commented, but Andy couldn't smell it. I would have thought it was my imagination, but at that same spot on the way back I smelled it again. I decided that anise must be growing wild there. Very cool. I think I must have been a bloodhound in a past life. I can detect the slightest scent.

It was hot. And dry. Who would be stupid enough to embark on this hike without bottled water? Us. In our defense, we were simply looking for a sunset. Because it was so damn hot and dry, we left before the sunset made its stand. Oh well. But on this adventure we found so much more than we expected. And the 6 pack of ice cold beer we bought at BevMo on the way home wasn't bad either!