My last chance to see my older daughter Maria before my move to LA was July 4th. I'd invited her to join my mom and me for fireworks (and asked her to bring Christie along as Christie is staying with her until the end of July when she'll join me in LA).
I'd been emotional and a little anxious all day. This was a day I couldn't call. I didn't know whether I'd get a heartfelt hug and 'see you soon in LA' or a fresh dose of guilt. What I did get was not enough of a good thing.
First of all, Maria brought 3 people with her (Christie and 2 friends). I saw them only sporadically through the day with no chance for a private conversation. And then it wasn't until 10pm, right as the fireworks were starting, that Maria and her friends joined us. Of course when the sky is boomin and beamin there's no room for conversation. She was also glued to her best friend the whole time.
I sat behind them on the blanket. I remember thinking that this is the last time for a long time that I will be sitting this close to Maria. I wondered did she care?
Soon the show was over and everyone was folding blankets and gathering their things for the walk back to the car. Christie gave me a big hug to last for the 3 weeks till I would see her again. As Maria started to walk away to her car I tapped her and said hey, time for a hug.
She dutifully turned to me and 'let' me hug her for a brief moment. When I told her I love you Maria, she pulled away and said *Sure* you do.
I was stunned emotionally, but not surprised at her reaction. If I was apprehensive about this day and what it all meant, I'm sure it was even more so for Maria. That's why she brought friends along for distraction and held close to her best friend like a suit of armor.
It was far easier for Maria to choose anger over sadness as anger has been her strength for years...or so she thinks. The thought of us moving 2500 miles away from her is still too much for her to accept. I know it'll take time and her acceptance will come and go, just like her moods.
As much as it sounds like I handled it all, it didn't roll off me so easy. My daughters and their friends walked to Maria's car, the rest of us walked to Mom's car. I walked alone in a crowd so noisy that nobody heard me sobbing into the rolled up blanket I was carrying, no, squeezing for dear life. It felt good to cry.
I'd been emotional and a little anxious all day. This was a day I couldn't call. I didn't know whether I'd get a heartfelt hug and 'see you soon in LA' or a fresh dose of guilt. What I did get was not enough of a good thing.
First of all, Maria brought 3 people with her (Christie and 2 friends). I saw them only sporadically through the day with no chance for a private conversation. And then it wasn't until 10pm, right as the fireworks were starting, that Maria and her friends joined us. Of course when the sky is boomin and beamin there's no room for conversation. She was also glued to her best friend the whole time.
I sat behind them on the blanket. I remember thinking that this is the last time for a long time that I will be sitting this close to Maria. I wondered did she care?
Soon the show was over and everyone was folding blankets and gathering their things for the walk back to the car. Christie gave me a big hug to last for the 3 weeks till I would see her again. As Maria started to walk away to her car I tapped her and said hey, time for a hug.
She dutifully turned to me and 'let' me hug her for a brief moment. When I told her I love you Maria, she pulled away and said *Sure* you do.
I was stunned emotionally, but not surprised at her reaction. If I was apprehensive about this day and what it all meant, I'm sure it was even more so for Maria. That's why she brought friends along for distraction and held close to her best friend like a suit of armor.
It was far easier for Maria to choose anger over sadness as anger has been her strength for years...or so she thinks. The thought of us moving 2500 miles away from her is still too much for her to accept. I know it'll take time and her acceptance will come and go, just like her moods.
As much as it sounds like I handled it all, it didn't roll off me so easy. My daughters and their friends walked to Maria's car, the rest of us walked to Mom's car. I walked alone in a crowd so noisy that nobody heard me sobbing into the rolled up blanket I was carrying, no, squeezing for dear life. It felt good to cry.
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