my apologies!

Photo by Vancouver Photographer Jason Pfeifer

I have absent from blogging for so long. Not because I was pregnant--thank God I was not--but because I was depressed. Of course, first I was elated because the preg test was negative. But both before and after that I have been battling the blues. This is a typical symptom of peri-menopause so I am told. The hot flashes persist. I'm trying not to go on anti-depressants.

So, yeah, there are hormonal issues. But they only add to my situational issues. As the year comes to a close I am feeling a bit defeated, or at the very least, deflated. My dream was a driving force and inspiration in my life over the last 18 months. Something I planned so carefully for, sacrificed plenty for, has fallen short of my expectations. It feels very unbalanced. I mean, there are people who I hurt by leaving. I feel I should have much more to show for their sacrifice (and mine) than I do now.

Despite lots of effort, I have no job yet, no income. I miss my family and friends a ton, maybe I always will. My relationship with Andy is growing, but as yet I am not convinced he has what it takes to be my life partner. In the meantime I will be patient and enjoy all the laughter he brings to my life.

I'm not giving up hope for life in Los Angeles yet. There's still time to make it happen. The tides have got to turn soon. I've been too lucky in life up to this point to have God bail on me now.