buckley masterpiece

I really would have liked to share this video tune with you, but for the life of me I cannot get it to download into my blog. Until I figure out how to do it successfully, feel free to click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq9R9Iu4EEs

It's the song of all songs, in my humble opinion. The guy was an incredible talent. The voice, the lyrics, the passion. He clearly exposed the depths of his soul in his music. Be prepared to get raked over the coals in his anguish of longing for a lost love. We've all been there.

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Take a moment to lose yourself.

pondering marriage

In the past couple months I find myself thinking about being married again. Nothing wrong with thinking about it. There are a bunch of reasons why I can't actually do it for a few years, so no need to draw a conclusion yet, right?

Well, right. Except that I spend hours upon hours fixated on it. For some odd reason my mind likes to go there. After my separation less than 2 years ago, still feeling and reeling from the bitter sting of it all, I thought I'd never want or need to get married again. And I proudly said so, to my friends, and to Cam and Rob, both who were in my life at the time. In fact they both said the same, having gone through their own marriage breakdowns. But as time passed, I realized there were things I really like about being married.

I realized I wanted to have someone I could call husband, and to be someone's wife. In a state of love, those terms represent something beautiful. I wanted to take care of someone and have him want to take care of me. To feel so emotionally bonded to a person, I feel like I want to declare our love beyond just the 2 of us. And it's not the legal papers I want, because I don't believe that's worth anything. If you're not married in your hearts, no piece of paper can make it so. And I can't say it's a wedding I want either. I want just a private declaration of our love and intent, in any of God's churches, whether it be in the middle of the woods, the edge of the mighty ocean, or under the desert sky.

So why am I struggling with this? Well, Rob knows I've changed my mind about banishing marriage forever. But he has no idea how much time I spend thinking about it lately. I look into his eyes night after night and imagine him asking me to marry him, but I don't say a single word about it. I feel like I'm hiding something from him. And that feels wrong. It's not what our relationship has been about. Our openness has been one of our best strengths.

And why can't I open up to him about this? Because it's messy.

Basically, he doesn't even have my exclusive commitment in this relationship. You have to understand our history. FLASHBACK: We started out as friends when I separated and I was in love with Cam. (And you can't underestimate the intensity and depth of my relationship with Cam. We had gone out for a year in our teens, then off and on for a few years till he moved away and we both found marriage elsewhere. We kept in touch for a while but I eventually broke it off, which made him very sad. Because although he was married, he said I was still the love of his life. When I separated in '06, he coincidentally did too, and we reconnected in a very powerful way. We reunited in a 4 day tryst after 19 years apart. It was an incredibly spiritual experience. We were very much in love, but he lived 3,000 miles away. After endless hours, days, months of gmail chats and phone calls we realized we had to help each other find love elsewhere. But it still was soooo hard to let go of the greatest love I ever had.)

Back to Rob. Rob was patient and loving from the very beginning, and long story short, I fell in love with him (too). So Rob was surprised when I finally did give him my commitment in the relationship. I'd said goodbye to Cam as my boyfriend. Rob & I went on for 6 months like this, then I started to feel like I wasn't allowing myself time and space to find what/who I really wanted. I thought it was too soon after my marriage ended to have made another commitment. With Rob's understanding I started to date. I still dated him (we were sexually exclusive) but saw someone else too. It took its toll on Rob and after a month of watching what it was doing to him, I gave it up and we became exclusive again. That was September '07. And we had good times and good love aplenty after that.

Fast forward to this past August (08) when I waffled again. I broke up with Rob, so to speak. There were things I felt I wanted to explore that Rob couldn't give me. (This is when Lee came to visit and I had my little adventure with the big shot from the big city.) I also needed to clean up loose ends with Cam. He haunted my soul and I needed to know his feelings for me, for once and for all. I laid all my cards on the table with Cam during one Sunday afternoon phone call, told him what I felt for him and asked him to move here and be with me. He said he couldn't. Surprisingly, I wasn't heartbroken. I felt like I finally had a valid reason to let go. And I've done pretty well with that.

But there was still the issue of my need to experience the things that Rob couldn't give me. We discussed the reasons why, ad nauseum, but he desperately wanted to understand me. He let me go, or at least he tried. I was rather amazed at the depth of his emotion when faced with losing me. Since then, I have realized that that man loves me more than anyone else in this world does. And I truly believe that he always will. I haven't seen anyone since Lee. I haven't wanted to. I've grown very close to Rob. Closer than ever. He's good for me, good for my health, my happiness and sanity.

Every once in a while he'll bring up the relationship issue and ask me where I'm at. Ideally he would like a commitment from me, but only when I'm ready. The last thing he'd want is to coerce one out of me. No victory in that. But I have been too scared to commit. I know you're thinking, how wacky is that???!!! She wants to marry the guy, but she can't give him a commitment to go steady, for God's sake. You know why I can't? I'm scared to let him down. I'm scared to ever need to change my mind again. I just can't bear the thought of doing that to him. I want to be sure, I want to be right, I want to be able to stick with him forever.

So beyond all these lovely and wacky thoughts I have to ask myself, am I really ready for this? I think probably not, especially when there is no pressure to make a decision. I think I still need to clean out the cobwebs lingering from Cam. I have some issues there and I'll likely be using this blog to heal the wounds. Rob's not the answer to everything, but I do love him so. He is ALL THINGS GOOD.

I still haven't picked out a laptop for my Christmas present. I think it's because I really want a ring. What the hell should I do? What about Cam, will he ever be completely gone?

first anniversary flashback

Today I was digging through the archives of my life. It's always a joy to exhume a treasure I'd buried safely in my Save folder. I found an email I'd written to Rob on the first anniversary of the day we connected on a deeper level; a day that had catapulted us across the line of platonic love.

When I reread this email, I am filled with the same emotion I felt when I first wrote it. Thought it was sweet enough to share. Still smiling......

Dear Rob,
Thanks for a year of friendship, for guiding me when I needed it and listening to my woes and frustration. You made going through a separation so much more bearable. You made the 3am escapes through deep snow worth it. Thanks for the fun and adventure, for stretching me past my usual comfort zone and showing me how I can get my feet wet in the middle of winter and still be able to laugh about it. For inspiring me to do crazy things that surprise even you. For noticing how moved I am by sound. For noticing me, period. For giving me endless attention, stroking my hair until I fall asleep. For wanting to please me sexually and continuing to explore the ins and outs of me. For caring about my needs so much that you suppressed your own to the point of pain. And for having the courage to bare your fears to me and knowing when to pull me in deeper. Thanks for telling me all about you--stealing raisins, sitting on the roof of the barn, tipping the trailer over, how you got that scar, the darkness of your marriage, the joy that holding your baby girl brought to you when you felt so troubled. It was then that I knew I loved you. Thanks for hanging around through all my adventures and for living outside the box with me, for your willingness to be open-minded, and to accept my thoughts and opinions without criticizing me. Thanks for being a sweet, peaceful, spiritual and smart man. And for telling me how beautiful I am. And for taking such good care of your body because I certainly get a lot of enjoyment out of it. For letting me love you in any way and for as long as I want. For feeling so good next to me in bed and wanting to be close to me. For being a boy. A boy with a very nice dick. And a talented tongue, and the best ass I've ever seen and felt. Thanks for opening your heart and your life to me. As you can see, I have a lot to be thankful for. But most of all it's your love that I want to thank you for. I am very happy with the evolution of our relationship, where we are now, and I'm excited about seeing where we go next. Time sure flies when you're having fun. I love you Rob.

10,000 hours to greatness

According to neurologist Daniel Levitin, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert. Researchers have found this to be true across the board, whether it's athletes, musicians, chess players, composers, etc.

I, personally, am working towards expertise in sex. Because, after all, it's what I like to do. And to spend that much damn time doing one thing, you have to have a fierce passion for it. I truly love sex, I always have. In a loving relationship, that is, not just sex for the sake of sex. To me that is empty. Which may sound fuddy duddy to some, but then again, perhaps they haven't read my posts about vanilla sex or sacred sex.

Anyway....back to greatness. Apparently there is much more to achieving greatness than just putting in the time, says Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, which I started reading this week. What are the magical ingredients? I've already touched on passion, that's a no-brainer. 10,000 hours of anything, except sleep, requires some pretty serious wanting. In this book, Gladwell uncovers the secrets behind the making of extremely successful people.

Exposure to opportunity is one crucial factor. Timing is another. When a person is born often plays a significant role in exposing them to the right opportunities. This is usually followed a snowball effect wherein early opportunities lead to higher achievement which then brings forth even more opportunities.

Surprisingly, talent is less important than you might think. Of course these individuals have some natural ability to begin with (or else they'd lack the neccesary passion in the first place), but research shows that their degree of talent is not proportional to their degree of success.

I found these facts very cool indeed. I can always appreciate seeing new explanations for things. I'm not going to go into great detail about the book here--read it for yourself to find out more. However, I couldn't help but question the assumption he makes.

Gladwell clearly associates greatness with success. Well, who's to say that any of these greats are truly successful? Sure, in all his examples, these folks ended up filthy rich. But let's not confuse success with money. Let's assume these people are successful because they are fulfilling their passion. They continue to invest their time perfecting their expertise for the simple joy that that action brings them.

Which brings me back to sex......

who can do this?!?!

There are probably only a handful of times in my life that I've been awestruck. Seeing a rock balancing demonstration was one of them. This goes back about 10 years, before I was spiritually aware. But standing there, seeing this freakish impossible display, I knew these rocks spoke a higher truth.

It's one of those things that makes such an impression on you that you go around wanting to tell everyone you know. Ya gotta see this!!!!! One's fascination with this artform is probably highly dependent on whether their belief lies in science or in God. Is it a wonder of physics or is there an element of magic at play here?

Regardless of your background you really can't deny that there's some pretty wild energy at the points where the rocks touch. If rocks can be balanced in such a precarious manner making this profound connection, imagine the implications of human touch. Imagine the energy that binds us through touch. Isn't it heavenly?

missing spoon

Rob, I'll miss you tonight. It's only been hours since we peeled ourselves apart, cradled in that soft bliss--that world where nothing else exists--called your bed. I've gone on with my day, and you with yours, but I've never really left you.

sensitive nipples

One would think this subject matter pertains to women, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I want to know what percentage of men have nipples sensitive enough to cause arousal when touched.

This fascinates me mostly because it seems pretty rare in the male population, and it's sooooo hot. Of the men I've experienced, let's say that's somewhere between 20 and 30, I've only come across 2 who had sensitive nipples. And BOY it was (is) fun. Talk about adding a toy to the sexual playground!

And both of them had (have) nice chests to begin with, so the nipple factor was indeed icing on the cake. How incredible it is that something so seemingly insignificant on the male body could hold so much power. Just one brush past it with a finger, a cheek, or lips and the anatomy starts to grow. I like to linger for the full effect... : )

Being aware of how my own nipples feel when stimulated gives me further excitement when doing it to a man. I love making him feel that way (I am assuming it creates a similar aching or fever so to speak). And I've realized there's a real art to enjoying another's chest. I've never had any lesbian experiences, so I can't say I've had much practice with breasts other than my own, but I can appreciate it's a major erogenous zone. We always immediately associate breasts with women. How cool is it then, that a man could enjoy this kind of stimulation on his own body?

One time when I asked my boyfriend to pleasure himself in front of me, he rubbed his own nipples and it absolutely drove me wild. It's hard to imagine the whole scene while sitting here. I think I have to go now.

a sucker for love & tragedy

Sometimes I wonder what makes me tick. All my favorite movies end with either someone dying or somehow leaving a great love unsatisfied. This bothers Rob, who likes only happy endings. I seem to need a challenge and I don't know why.

In the Mexican film Like Water for Chocolate lovers Tita and Pedro are finally united after years of intense longing, only to combust in their first and final act of passion.

In Atonement lovers Cecilia and Robbie are kept apart as a result of a terrible lie and Robbie is sent off to war. Just when we're convinced they finally found grace in each other's arms, we learn that Robbie actually died in the war. He'd never come home to reunite with Cecilia. The story of their peace was merely fiction dreamed of a penitent heart.

Shakespeare In Love is another one about a secret love affair that is not allowed to be fulfilled. So beautiful was their love and so painful the abrupt end of it.

I was brought to tears just last night reading The Red Tent. Set in biblical times, it depicted the story of Dinah and Shalem. Chapter 7 was so beautifully written, so intense with the description of the budding passion of the two lovers. They were devoted to each other and so blissfully happy in their love. I could feel it in me. I died too when Dinah's brothers murdered Shalem as he lay in bed next to her. It was gruelling and I cried like I haven't in a long time.
Over a book!

So why does all this painful emotion interest me? I dunno. It's a little scary. Basically, I guess it moves me. And I like to be moved...deeply. I can relate to the feeling of intense longing, of hope, of honoring a love bigger than two humans could have created themselves. It is a bit reminiscent of the story of Cam and me. But I'd hate to think that I am idealizing a love that cannot be satisfied. Because I do want to be satisfied.