I've been waiting for my divorce to go through before I tell my 19 yr old daughter Maria that her sister and I are moving to LA. As we know, the divorce is now a done deal. The ex even reimbursed me (small victory). Now I have the more difficult task ahead of me.
Maria hasn't spoken to me since Christmas when we had a pretty decent time together. She found something to be angry about a couple days later. I've emailed and texted her a bunch of times, none of which she even acknowledged. I am tired of chasing her only to be ignored and I've decided it's not right to beg for her love. And I'm certainly not willing to change who I am or who I love in order to appease her. I'd never ask her to do that for me. Besides it would only be a temporary fix, until her next blow up.
Last time she hung with Christie, apparently she said she doesn't want to see me because I always tell her bad news. I'm not sure what prompted that, but she must feel the news of the move coming...I'm sure of it. I was truly hoping we could have had some nice visits over the last couple months. Unfortunately she avoids me.
I am sad to say that I have not heard Maria's voice or seen her beautiful face since Christmas Day. I know deep down she loves me despite the anger she holds onto, but she has pretty much rejected me.
And now it's going to seem like I am rejecting her. And I am not. I don't ever want her to feel like I'm abandoning her or giving up on our relationship. But she won't see it that way. She won't see that this move is such a good thing for Christie and me. She'll only see what she expects to see--something bad caused by me. She won't see that there's also a great opportunity for her--to come visit LA and learn how fabulous a city it is. My God, it was made for her! And to have a better relationship with both her sister and me, on new terms.
Regardless, I have to do this and I have to trust that she'll come around eventually. I hope that she will come visit us, and we'll have quality visits for the first time in a long time. Maria is my flesh and blood, my first born. She's someone I used to know and touch and be completely fascinated by. I love her, I've learned so much being her mom. There's been such distance between us in the last 5 years and soon there will be 2500 miles more between us.
I don't want her to blame me, or more importantly, to blame herself. I want her to just accept it and see that it is the best thing for each of us.
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2 comments:
She needs to learn to let go of past aggressions and accept each new day as an opportunity to love and mend broken fences before the horses get too far out of the pasture.
Sometimes it can be hard to love those around you who are doing things that you don't necessarily agree with; however, it's important that you remember that it is their own life... They are the ones who die at the end of their lives, not any of the rest of us and as such they are the ones who should live life according to their own map... Their own path that they create through the forest of life.
The separation of a parent and the child through emotional walls is a hard one to overcome, or so I'd assume (seeing as I've never actually had any biological children of my own even though I helped raise my two sisters who were 10 and 15 years younger than me). It's also a damaging one, and the person who is doing the wall-building typically doesn't care that they are doing just that: Building a wall... They think that the other is the one who's to blame for the issue (in this case, her refusal to communicate with you is her wall). I find that this is commonly because they are afraid that a) they'll hear something that lets them know that they were wrong and that they've hated you for no reason or b) that they'll have to grow up and forgive you. People hate to forgive for some reason. It's like it's part of our DNA (actually, it IS part of our DNA, but that's another topic altogether).
Anyways, I hope everything sorts itself out. She needs to realize that you need to do what's best for you and your other daughter. She's refusing to see this because she wants to hold onto the grudge and the hate. She needs to realize that it's doing nothing but eating away at everything.
B, you've hit it right on the head...exactly. Since my blog post, Maria heard the news that we're moving. It wasn't good. She told me to never contact her again in her life...that she is finished with me...goodbye. She's also mad at her sister.
Her reaction is not unexpected, but it hurts me nevertheless--to know that my actions triggered her pain. But I agree with you 100% and will stay my course. I know I have done nothing wrong.
I am hoping that when her shock wears off she will be ever so slightly more likely to reach out. I need to know what her specific concerns are so that I can address them. I am thinking of sending her a long email asking what her fears might be, maybe even suggesting some in order to get her to open up.
Her dad, my ex, is being a total idiot in all this. He has been a bad influence in that he is modelling all the wrong behavior (his reactions to me). Oh God, that's a long story.
But the last thing I'll say in this post is that I am most worried about your scenario a), because that is what I believe is happening with Maria. She was born with guilt which is something I could never understand. Even when something was clearly not her fault, she felt guilty about it. I believe this caused her so much distress that she started blaming others in order to deflect the feeling from herself. And the habit has not only continued, but snowballed into a pretty harmful way of thinking that affects all her relationships.
It's been a concern for years, but I have come to the realization that this is her path, her lesson to discover. The more I tried to make her realize, the further she went from me. I will be patient and love her when she's ready. It's all I can do.
Thanks, pal, for your support. It helps. :)
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