fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.