one insane moment of truth

I have been one emotional hot mess these days. I don't know if it's due to the incessant juggling of two relationships, or job dissatisfaction, or financial stress, or pms, or peri-menopause, or if I'm just a fucked up chick.

Here I stand, panicked in the middle of a self-manufactured chaotic existence. Rob has announced he thinks it's time to start dating other women since I can't commit to him, and he's tired of putting his life on hold. That rattled me, and I could kick myself because I've been encouraging him to do that all along. Now that he does it, I cave? Shame on me!

I know why it's happened though. During Andy's last visit I missed Rob terribly and realized he is my security, my best friend and soulmate. So I've since cooled my feelings toward Andy and have been spending oodles of time with Rob. I've reopened my heart to Rob and we've been experiencing some pretty wonderful moments and depth again. He senses my renewed love and maybe that's why he feels that now is the time to play his hand.

But I CAN'T stop him from dating someone else, because I can't cancel my trip to LA. I can't do that to Andy, but more importantly I can't do that to Christie. This is going to be the trip of her life! or at least of her teenage-hood. She is so excited. I wish some of that would rub off on me.

As I sit and cry in self pity, this is what I really wish I could say to Rob right now, and still feel this way in a week, a month, a year, and the rest of my days on earth:

I want to move in with you.
I want to make love to you forever.
Let's buy a house together.
I want to love you and take care of you like a wife.
I want us to build a life together.
Let's plan a trip.
I want your bed to be my bed.

What I really wish I could say to Andy right now:

I can't move to California because I can't live without Rob.
Please don't plan your whole life around me. It's too much pressure.
I'm sorry I led you on. It felt good to dream with you and you certainly filled my need to be desired, accepted and adored. I truly believed we could be together. But I have learned that our relationship is not as deep as I need a relationship to be.

I can only hope that my mind and heart find a way through this, with as little damage as possible to the innocent parties. Because I love them all. xxx