lost & found in LA

On day 2 of my LA trip I was set into a tailspin. When checking my email after breakfast I found a very long heartfelt message from my 19 year old (estranged) daughter Maria. The message began: I am writing via email because I feel that this is the only civil manner that I can convey this message. After this, I would appreciate no further contact with you in the future, but I think that it is important for you to hear my thoughts.

My heart sank. I tried to just scan the rest of the email lightly and not get overly emotional about it, but how does a mother do that? As hard as I tried to separate myself from the feeling, it followed me everywhere for the next few days till I totally broke down and cried.

Basically Maria's message described her angst at "losing her sister" and how she feels I continue to make very selfish choices and I am to blame for all of her and her father's unhappiness, etc etc etc. She begged me not to take her sister away from her.

Since she had asked me not to have further contact with her, I did not respond. Frankly, I was too messed up to respond. But Christie started receiving texts from Maria wondering why "Mom had not responded". Obviously I needed time to digest the message, decide how I felt about everything and what my response would be. I decided I'd deal with it after my vacation.

However, it continued to affect me. As the days went by, I felt very out of sorts. Physically I was fine, but mentally and emotionally I was floundering. I was surrounded by so many unfamiliar things and felt totally out of my realm. I had lost all enthusiasm, which worried me considering I was about to reach the point of no return in moving there. We were about to sign a lease on an apartment.

It also didn't help having the 3 of us in Andy's small, and very messy, apartment for 8 days. Christie complained to me privately that the bathroom was disgusting and there's no room for her stuff etc. Her complaints combined with my anxiety left me a little panicky, thinking how do I fix this?

I got up the next morning and cleaned his bathroom for over an hour. I risked hurting Andy's feelings, but bottom line I needed my daughter to feel comfortable. I don't think he was offended. I simply explained that it wasn't quite up to women's standards.

Another thing I *learned* on this trip was that I definitely need a sense of order in my life. I found it stressful to not have space to put my things, and not know when or from where my next meal was coming, and to not have a stocked fridge or cupboards. In a way I felt like I was on Survivor.

I'm not saying that Andy's way is wrong...apparently it has worked for him somewhat for the last 15 years. BUT I now know that I need routine and a sense of control over the basic necessities of life.

In the middle of the mayhem I had lost my sense of self, and couldn't seem to define who I was anymore. Thinking back now, I remember reaching (mentally) for something that I knew would ground me. I thought of 2 things: my Conversations with God book, and my routine. And then I felt peace.

And since then, I've realized that I will be lugging along that 4-volume book to LA no matter how heavy my suitcase is. The routine I will just demand for myself. If Andy joins in, which I think he will for the most part, that will be great! He's been living like a rudderless ship because his life is so non-routine. He's an artist who works from home and paints when he feels like it. He looks for any excuse to get out of the house--that means endless trips to grocery stores or restaurants to eat. I don't have that kind of time. To me it seems very wasteful. To him it's something to do.

At first I was thinking that this has not been a fun trip. While it may not have been filled with all the fun and games of my previous trips, we did plenty of laughing and loving. Mostly I learned a lot. I think it was crucial that I experienced what I did. It will prepare me for the big move and then maybe I won't feel so out of place once I get there. I know it will be challenging enough to deal with everything being brand new. I need to stay in touch with who I am and get what I need.

I still adore Andy and we're still moving! We signed the lease, I gave my notice at work, so onward we go! :D