the pendulum swings

An interesting combination of events has occurred in the last 24 hours. All I'm thinking is here I go again.

Two nights ago I found myself chatting online with Andy, flirting aimlessly during the wee hours in a tone reminiscent of my days with Cam. It's amazing how brave and brazen one can get behind the computer screen. Before you know it you're talking about waking up in bed together. Fun as it was at the time, afterwards I'm thinking what the hell happened there?

The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing. It's the owner of the shop that is working on my car right now. He tells me it's gonna cost another $400 to fix my car and I suddenly feel sick. So immediately I call Rob and he proceeds to talk me down off the ledge. And I feel so completely grateful. And I also realize how little I've appreciated Rob lately.

Then I check my email and see the usual forward from Mom--one of Neale Donald Walsch's Messages from God. This one's on attitude and how your attitude is the one and only thing that shapes your life and creates your reality. And I realize that if I think I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then of course I will be. These Messages from God often hit me like a ton of bricks--I love them. They really help set me straight.

So later in the day when Rob comes over, I notice how alluring his blue eyes have gotten, and I simply have to have him. So we make passionate love all afternoon. And all of a sudden he sounds much more interesting, and seems to be paying more attention to me too. My recent lack of enthusiasm towards him seems to have reversed itself. We went out last night to a concert and had an awesome time together.

I spent most of today with Rob, too, and felt a lot closer to him than I have since the day I first saw Andy. I have not even wanted to contact Andy today, or needed to, is more accurate. I seem to have pulled away in defense. I think I scared myself the other night. Plus, after the chat I was left with a nagging feeling that Andy is more interested in romance than in truly knowing me. I have so many questions I want answered, and I'm not sure he wants me to be so concerned about where things are going. The romance factor is very tempting, but I need to substantiate it.

This whole series of events reminds me that I've been here before. I don't know why I keep returning to this very spot. Into Rob, disappointed with Rob, into another guy, disappointed again, back to Rob, over and over. Also, this online flirtation is so friggin addicting. I recognize the cycle from my time with Cam, yet it appears I don't have very good control over myself. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want yet. Maybe these guys are giving me something I really need that I just can't get from Rob. I'm a bit fucked up at the moment!