up, down, off, on

I feel like Rob and I are living on a perpetual seesaw. When I'm really up about him, he seems flat. Then when I (disappointedly) come down from my high, he goes up. We never seem to be on the same level in this relationship. I am frustrated.

Rob is now starting to hint at living together. This comes about 3 months after I needed to hear something like this, back when I needed hope, not reasons why it wasn't the right time, or reminders of let's not get head of ourselves.

Mentally, I've moved away from that plan. Frankly, the dream died awhile ago. I wasn't feeling a level of excitement from him that was anywhere near mine. I'm onto bigger thoughts, new dreams and less dependence on his love for me, which is kind of what he suggested months ago when he asked why it mattered how much he loved me (when what should really matter was how much I love him). He had a point. But so did I.

This summer I have found fulfillment in friends and family. I've spent less time with Rob than ever before, except for sleeping together. I've gone back to my hometown every weekend except one this summer, and have had amazing fun with family and friends. Rob came with me once.

I have broken out of the small town bubble I've been hibernating in the last few years. Starting to feel more in touch with the world and branching out into new things and people, which has been intensely satisfying.

I don't know where this leaves my relationship with Rob. He's done me no wrong. He most certainly is still my comfort, my friend and my lover. But he's not a life partner. My life partner will have an excitement for a future with me--not a blind faith, but strong faith in our love, instead of finding all the obstacles and issues that prevent us from being together.

I want to be ONE with my partner.