As we moved into day 6 of not sleeping together, guilt crept in. I thought that maybe if I just invited Rob over, nature would run its course and I'd want to be close to him again.
Didn't happen. He came over (sex-starved) and tried to be a loving and patient boyfriend. We talked, he rubbed my head (I had a headache--isn't that a hoot??) and eventually we climbed into bed. He tried to lie still behind me. Then his penis couldn't quite behave. It was like hello, remember me???
I did not discourage him, I guess you could say it was a mercy fuck. All the things I used to enjoy about him I found I wanted no part of tonight. And I felt bad about it. I didn't like the way he talked or laughed, or looked, I didn't particularly like the way he smelled, and I didn't have an appreciation for his body. I felt no emotional desire or connection to him other than friendship. And I felt suffocated by him all night in bed. WTF??
I'm not sure what's going on with me. He hasn't done anything to upset me. And I haven't been consumed with Andy either. Andy and I have talked a few times during the week, but it was pretty tame. I have been super busy with work and life and planning how to get everything done that I need to do...
I feel bad about Rob, like I've left him standing in the rain. I feel I've deserted him physically. That's not me.
2 comments:
To ME it seems as though either a) you have moved on or b) you are in a rut emotionally.
It's very possible that all of this "this one and that one" stuff, bouncing back and forth emotionally has pretty much made your decision for you (i.e. you are not desiring someone with whom you have had a very strong connection to... And now you don't). Perhaps this relationship (not friendship) has run its course and it's time to take a break from it. Then again, perhaps you're just overwhelmed with life in general and aren't feeling very sexy yourself. Both are definitely viable options.
Yeah, I'm learning to just roll with it. Life is a journey and no one is pressuring me to make a permanent decision, except maybe me! The people around me seem to be very understanding and appreciative of what they get from me, whether it's a little or a lot. I am blessed, of that I'm sure.
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