the steven i remember

You can't blame Steven Tyler for bailing himself out of a few messy years and cashing in where he can. Kudos for scoring the gig on Idol season 10 and introducing millions of teenyboppers to a real idol. However, do they even know the man behind the spectacles? Forget everything from Dude Looks Like a Lady and onward. As a child of real rock 'n roll, I long for the days where Steven rocked out with his cock out. Go baby, what an awesome version of Last Child.

my love potential

I have identified my state of unrest. With Andy living in the Southwest, me in the Northeast, and facing 4 months between visits, I have had to curb my enthusiasm. I find my feelings can completely run wild if left to their own volition, and this distance makes that a very dangerous game.

I just can't go to those depths unless I can sustain the love and have it whenever I need it. When I am with Andy for days, I drop my guard and let him in completely. I let him love me and I become exposed and vulnerable. Living here on my own, I can't afford to be vulnerable. I have to be strong and independent, get my shit together, and rearrange my life down to every last detail in order to move across the US to be with him.

It's been pretty challenging lately as I feel the relationship is a little off balance. And I didn't realize why till tonight. Andy is somehow able to be consistently sweet and open and excited to share everything with me. While I am spending a lot of time Skyping with him, loving him and sexing with him, still I feel reserved.

For instance, the other day I found out some great news I'd been sweating over for a long time. My ex has agreed to let my daughter move to California with me. So, when I heard the news of course I was thrilled. But instead of calling Andy (who's also been sweating the news) right away, I went about making dinner and stuff, knowing I'd be Skyping with him soon. When we did Skype, I told him I had good news, and I was happy to tell him.

He was pretty wowed, and then casually asked why I didn't call him when I found out. I brushed it off saying I knew I'd be Skyping with him that night. But later I realized that my choice to wait, as opposed to bubbling over in the excitement of the moment, denied him a chance to get into my heart, and me into his. I feel kind of bad about it now. Like it was a lost opportunity.

But the more I think about it, I see that I am just protecting myself. I can't experience the intensity of my love for Andy and then not be able to experience it. In order to go there, I need to know I'm in...all the way in. And the closer it gets to the time we will finally live together, the harder it is to be without it.

I am really missing my man. I need to curl up with him, touch him, sleep with him, have real sex, love him every day in every way.

freedom for Dad

Christie and I visited my dad one day last week. He's living on his own now since his brother (and roommate for some 40+ years) recently died. My uncle had lived well into his 80s, so it wasn't a tragic death. His heart just gave up after a long illness. But neverthess Dad is now on his own.

Without my uncle to rule the roost, as he surely did, my dad has a new freedom. Sure, he misses having my uncle to talk to, but he's calling me more now which is allowing me to get to know him better. And he's been going out every day, which is something he pretty much avoided due to a lifelong battle with anxiety/depression.

If you recall, Dad spent the better part of 2009 in the hospital after having fallen at home. His arthritis has crippled him where he can barely walk on his own anymore. Other complications prevented him from being discharged for the longest time. Besides, he was not able to get around, and my uncle was too frail to be of much help at home. So, until my dad could build up his strength, he was kept in the hospital.

All that time without my uncle telling him what to do, and what to think, my dad seemed to open up in many ways. He seemed genuinely happy at the last hospital he was at. He had a private room overlooking the city skyline. It was clean, quiet and he had dressed it up with a lot of his own things that visitors brought from his home.

The nurses just adored Dad and hung his photos (photography's his hobby) all over the ward. It made my dad so proud which is a huge deal for a man who never felt good about himself. The nurses would tell me what a sweet man he is, and it really touched me. For the first time I felt honored that he was my father. Sounds awful that that was the first time, but this is a man I never quite got to know as he was always so drugged up with meds. I grew up knowing that he was my father, but never felt a bond with him.

Things between my dad and me have been very superficial for my whole life. He has not been much of an influence, but maybe we'll get a short chance to have some kind of relationship now. He's getting older and more importantly, doesn't take very good care of himself. Plus, I am moving to California in a few months. So, if it doesn't happen now, it probably never will.

It's too late for me to tell him how to eat, remind him to exercise, all that's pointless. He drinks his Diet Coke by the gallon, eats no vegetables, and depends on meds to make him comfortable in every way possible. His approach towards health is very different from mine. But at least I can visit him and bring some happiness to his day. And I can clean his place. OMG pigsty. They were hoarders their whole lives, so there is barely room to sit when I do go there. Well, that's another story.

We had a nice visit with Dad. After scrubbing his kitchen and bathroom, he took us out to eat. My favorite part was seeing him happy, seeing him talk to the waitress, and enjoying his 4 cups of coffee and 3 egg omelet with cheese (roll eyes here). Things were going so swimmingly on this outing, that I decided it was time to tell him about the move.

"Dad, Christie and I have some exciting news... We're planning a move."

Dad smiles big. "You're moving back here?"

"No Dad, a big move."

"To California?"

Now I smile big..."Yeah."

He launches into a 5 minute story about the purchase of his zoom lens, where he bought it 5 years ago, how much it cost, etc etc. All the while I'm thinking how strange this is, but it's not. Not strange at all considering this is my dad.

Another 10 minutes go by. Dad pipes in, "Well I'm disappointed about your exciting news. But I hope you find all that you're looking for there."

"Thanks, Dad." And really all I can do is reassure him that we'll be back home to visit a couple times a year.

"And there's always the telephone," he adds.

"Of course."

atonement

I just fucking love this movie. A lot of people I know (especially those who I've made watch it with me) are angry at the end, let down by the atypical happy ending. But there is quite a gift at the end if you choose to accept it. And all the while, it's just a fabulous movie to watch--great direction, great score, great acting, a beautiful and heart wrenching love story. Yeah, it's painful, but it makes me feeeeel.

And James McAvoy is a real cutie. Who couldn't love that face? My favorite line:

I will return, find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.

hot shopping date

I would love to go on a shopping spree with Andy. Let's imagine money's no object and Andy's going to dress me as he likes. I wonder what I'd end up looking like...

How fun it would be for him to lead me into his favorite stores (one of the few guys I know who's into fashion) and see what he'd choose for me. I've seen evidence of his taste in many genres--sexy, trashy, formal, business, casual, 50s, 80s, naked, the list goes on. One thing I'm sure of is that it would be very eclectic. If we went to Alexander McQueen, I'd probably come out with something like this:


Of course I'd need the proper shoes to adorn my perfect feet...

Andy wouldn't stop spoiling me there. He'd make sure I had one of these to carry my lipstick.

I love that man.

who needs a man?

Ok, so last weekend I single handedly laid a perfect vinyl floor in my ensuite. To do this I had to remove my toilet and I had decided to buy a new one anyway. I put that in myself too, all the way up the point where I had to hook up the water intake with the toilet tank. Then I found it didn't reach the right spot. I needed a new piece and I was scared to change it myself.

I did my share of freaking out for a few days, wondering if I could convince Rob to come over and help me out, or worse yet,consider how much I'd be willing to pay a plumber. Well it turns out you can learn a hell of a lot by watching tutorial videos online! Awesome!

And so I did. A couple days later I hit the hardware store, got the new hose I needed along with a few pointers from the hardware guy (and a lot of confidence to do it myself). What I almost paid $159 to a plumber to do, I did myself in 5 minutes.

Of course I held my breath when I turned the water valve back on. And crossed my fingers after the first flush. Until I saw that there were no leaks anywhere--woohoo! I rock.

Since then I laid the floor and replaced the toilet in my 2nd bathroom. Piece...of...cake.

All in all, I do still need a man, are you kidding me? Besides the obvious use of tools which I don't own myself, I can't wait to share my newest expertise in plumbing. Right up my alley.

let there be light

I've had great difficulty finding any good news to write about lately. I seem to have a lot of challenges in my life right now and I don't want to get all whiny on my blog. So, I've been kind of quiet.

But it's probably these times when I need to write the most. Soon I will touch on a couple challenges I've recently conquered, but for now I'll share with you something that's clearly positive...work! (yeah, haven't been able to say that in a while)

After almost 6 years having an office on 'the lower level' (aka the basement), my office has been moved to the ground floor of another building. Not only that, but finally I am sharing with the person I work most closely with. AND we have a beautiful corner office with large windows on 2 sides that overlook a green area, along with high ceilings, fresh paint and carpet. I feel like I've moved to paradise. Oh, correction, this is not quite paradise.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying it.This is our first week in the new office and we both feel a huge change in our disposition. Cannot get over how much light we have! We barely need the fluorescent overheads. I've had to shut my blinds tight because the sunshine was practically blinding me. I thought how cool would it be if I had to wear my sunglasses at work?! This after years of having no clue what the weather was from the moment I went in the office at 8:15 till I came out at 5. Some winter days I never even saw daylight. How grim is that?!

The new surroundings will be a fab way to endure the last few months at this job. Also I had my annual review. Basically my boss said that there is no room for improvement in my current position; I am at the top of my game. She encouraged me to learn SEO and Google adword buying, and if I do, and if I like it, then she will promote me to a management position. That was encouraging, and long overdue. Great news. But I'm still moving to California!

time to tell Maria

I've been waiting for my divorce to go through before I tell my 19 yr old daughter Maria that her sister and I are moving to LA. As we know, the divorce is now a done deal. The ex even reimbursed me (small victory). Now I have the more difficult task ahead of me.

Maria hasn't spoken to me since Christmas when we had a pretty decent time together. She found something to be angry about a couple days later. I've emailed and texted her a bunch of times, none of which she even acknowledged. I am tired of chasing her only to be ignored and I've decided it's not right to beg for her love. And I'm certainly not willing to change who I am or who I love in order to appease her. I'd never ask her to do that for me. Besides it would only be a temporary fix, until her next blow up.

Last time she hung with Christie, apparently she said she doesn't want to see me because I always tell her bad news. I'm not sure what prompted that, but she must feel the news of the move coming...I'm sure of it. I was truly hoping we could have had some nice visits over the last couple months. Unfortunately she avoids me.

I am sad to say that I have not heard Maria's voice or seen her beautiful face since Christmas Day. I know deep down she loves me despite the anger she holds onto, but she has pretty much rejected me.

And now it's going to seem like I am rejecting her. And I am not. I don't ever want her to feel like I'm abandoning her or giving up on our relationship. But she won't see it that way. She won't see that this move is such a good thing for Christie and me. She'll only see what she expects to see--something bad caused by me. She won't see that there's also a great opportunity for her--to come visit LA and learn how fabulous a city it is. My God, it was made for her! And to have a better relationship with both her sister and me, on new terms.

Regardless, I have to do this and I have to trust that she'll come around eventually. I hope that she will come visit us, and we'll have quality visits for the first time in a long time. Maria is my flesh and blood, my first born. She's someone I used to know and touch and be completely fascinated by. I love her, I've learned so much being her mom. There's been such distance between us in the last 5 years and soon there will be 2500 miles more between us.

I don't want her to blame me, or more importantly, to blame herself. I want her to just accept it and see that it is the best thing for each of us.

yay

It was a good week.

Last Sunday to celebrate Valentine's Day I wrote Andy the filthiest email describing myself masturbating while having a fantasy about him. Then I called him and listened to him read it which obviously led to us having hot phone sex. The perfect beginning to a week (for a couple who lives 2500 miles apart).

I made some serious progress on my bathroom renos. I finally chose a floor (4 stores and 18 samples later) and ordered it. AND....get this! I made a life-size template of my bathroom floor out of bristol board. I cut the exact shapes and curves around my tub, cabinet, and door trim in one huge taped-together piece. I will lay this on top of the new piece of vinyl, trace it, cut it and then just drop it into place. Presto! I am a fucking genius.

Wednesday I walked to my mailbox and got a piece of mail I'd been anxiously awaiting. My final divorce papers stamped by the judge. O Happy Day, I am officially divorced! One more major item checked off my to-do list. I'm not sure who was happier...me or Andy. Actually I was. But he was pretty damn happy too.

And he's been selling more paintings than ever, like 8 this week. Things are really happening for him and it's exciting. Now a major clothing line wants to talk to him about doing t-shirts. That could mean big money and awesome exposure in retail outlets across North America. Wow.

Does it get any better? Well, there was our Skype date on Friday. We were a couple of gushy lovers reliving the story of how we met and what we were each thinking without the other one knowing. And we talked about all the things we want to do when we live together in a few months. And then there was the sex...

big promises

I love Andy. His romance is contagious and I'm happy to make his dreams mine.

more rescue

Another dream message from Rob I thought worth telling... He said we were in a small plane and I was preparing to jump. Just before I was ready to take the leap I asked him to get on my back. He asked why would you want me to do that?!?

I said to be my parachute.

cold and lonely

It's been such a wicked cold week and it seems this winter is endless. I am missing my honey. When we Skype I can see the sunshine hitting his face and I am envious. I miss the California sun and heat so much.

Andy is originally from the Northeast so he understands how winter sucks, but he's been living in sunny CA for the last 20 years. Sure, he sympathizes with me, but he doesn't have to dress like an Eskimo for 3 months straight, or drive in this shit, or shovel it. Sometimes that disconnect makes me feel even farther away from him.

Yeah, I'm getting down. We don't know when we're seeing each other next. I hope it's before May when Christie and I go back out to see her school and look for apartments. But May seems like a lifetime away. I need my honey now.

Rob to the rescue

Since Rob did not leave my mind this week, I thought I should reach out and say hello. I was afraid he still wouldn't be ready to see me, but he suggested we go to a local diner for tea. He also mentioned that he had a message for me, from me. Hmmm...

I was surprised at how much I was looking forward to seeing Rob. I have really been missing my friend. I was greeted with a peck on the cheek when I got into his car. Friendly. His eyes had their usual sparkle. He made me take off my sunglasses so he could see mine.

We drank lots of tea and emptied the diner a couple hours later. I was the talkative me, filling him in on my adventures in California, family updates and work dramas. I don't think I talk that much to anyone else. He told me a little bit about the dates he'd been on, but said he hadn't met 'the one' yet. And in case I was wondering, yes, he'd had sex. (Inside I was woohoo-ing, but didn't want to show my excitement.)

So the message he had for me, from me... It was in a dream. I knew it! He said I had called him to come get me in California. He walked into an apartment where I was sitting, crying, amidst a mess. It looked as if the room had been trashed or there had been a bad fight there. He instinctively came over to comfort me. He said that I was relieved to see him, but then in an angry outburst I said to him You knew I shouldn't get married and you didn't tell me!

But apparently my anger turned to romance because I started kissing him and wanting him to make out with me on the couch. He said he told me that it wasn't safe there so he took me and we left.

So that was Rob's dream, and my message to myself. As he told me, I had kind of a wow reaction. Most people would say he had a vested interest in telling me that dream, or embellishing it in order to scare me out of getting too serious with Andy, but I believe Rob told me the dream exactly as he recalled it.

I am not sure how I feel about the message though. I certainly don't feel like Andy has a violent side or would hurt me in any way. The state of the room--had there been an earthquake? Did someone break into our place? But that doesn't explain the anti-marriage message.

Bottom line is that I don't think anyone but me would be able to talk me out of marrying Andy. Of course, I haven't even been asked, so it's completely hypothetical at this point, right? ;)

Rob dropped me off at my house after tea, and I felt content. It was really nice to have caught up with him. I hoped that the aftermath of our visit would sit well with him so we could do it again.

men of my dreams

I'm a big fan of dreaming. I've always been fascinated by them, mine or others'. You may have noticed it's one conversation that people get really excited about.

I have found over the years that I rarely dream about the man I am with. But I will dream about one from my past (or future?). Lately I've been having a bunch of dreams about my ex (Jeff), most likely because he's been causing me grief lately. Those dreams can be pleasant (dreams where we're getting along and things are 'resolved' between us) or downright scary (he's either threatening me or we are having sex--ewwww).

I would much rather dream about Andy, especially about having sex with him, since we are so far apart! Well, strangely enough, Andy crept into my dreams this week.

At first he just existed in the background, kind of matter of fact. But by the 3rd night this week he was naked! And in the same room with us was Rob, also naked. I think we had been throwing around the idea of the 3 of us sleeping together.

I recall Rob was calm, but excited about it. Andy looked disturbed and wanted to go to sleep. And I was apprehensive because of Andy's reaction, not wanting anyone to be upset. All I remember after that point was lying behind Andy (like we do in bed) and I had my hand resting on his ass.

missing

There were 2 things I knew I would miss when I gave up Rob. Well, maybe 3. One was his big cock--along with his sexual finesse, of course! Second was his endless energy to give me TLC. Rob would run his fingers through my hair for hours and touch me in spots that completely relaxed me. And third, I knew I'd miss the depth of conversation we had.

OK, so I'm getting along fine without 1 and 2. Andy and I have a sex life that has ventured into new erotic territory that I find hot hot hot. Not only is it hot, but it's fun, and I want more. I want to know his body better, and I want him to know mine better.

We have potential to grow our sex life into a major and fulfilling part of our lives someday. But it's pretty hard to get there from here. After all, we live 2,500 miles apart. And yeah, I could do with more back rubs, foot rubs and caresses all over. Andy does some of that for sure, but his adoration comes in other forms, mostly in words. And that is something that Rob did not/would not do.

What I am missing most about Rob is the talking. And this hits me hard when I am feeling down. Rob was a phenomenal listener. As well, he knew when to offer advice and when to shut up. He was genuinely interested in my feelings and where they came from. He was empathetic. Sometimes his eyes would fill with tears as he listened to my worries, struggles, whatever.

He didn't hesitate to ask me questions that I would have to go deep inside myself to answer. He exposed me, and I loved that. That was a huge reason for my attraction to Cam, and it turned out to be very addictive. I could only give Cam up if I found that quality somewhere else. And Rob filled the bill.

I haven't delved into my soul (out loud) with anyone in a long time. I miss it. I like when someone knows me inside and out, knows what makes me tick, handles me with care, works me, plays with me. I love going deep emotionally. Someone who forces me to discover things about who I am. It's not only one of my joys in life, I think it might be a necessity.

I really don't know yet if Andy has the ability, or the interest, to go that deep with me. I hope he does. I feel like I've only seen the tip of the iceberg with Andy. But so far I have loved what I've seen, and been impressed by the treasures I've found. He's already so much more than I first thought he was. And I love getting to know him. I guess we just need time.

But for now, who will I go deep with? Will Rob be willing to get together soon? He's been on a hiatus of sorts until he 'gets over me'. Will I find a girlfriend whose ear I could chew off? (girls are so less fun than boys.) Will I blog non-stop till I get it out of my system? Or will I create an issue with Andy just to draw out some more emotion and send us down that road? (sounds treacherous.)