who needs a man?

Ok, so last weekend I single handedly laid a perfect vinyl floor in my ensuite. To do this I had to remove my toilet and I had decided to buy a new one anyway. I put that in myself too, all the way up the point where I had to hook up the water intake with the toilet tank. Then I found it didn't reach the right spot. I needed a new piece and I was scared to change it myself.

I did my share of freaking out for a few days, wondering if I could convince Rob to come over and help me out, or worse yet,consider how much I'd be willing to pay a plumber. Well it turns out you can learn a hell of a lot by watching tutorial videos online! Awesome!

And so I did. A couple days later I hit the hardware store, got the new hose I needed along with a few pointers from the hardware guy (and a lot of confidence to do it myself). What I almost paid $159 to a plumber to do, I did myself in 5 minutes.

Of course I held my breath when I turned the water valve back on. And crossed my fingers after the first flush. Until I saw that there were no leaks anywhere--woohoo! I rock.

Since then I laid the floor and replaced the toilet in my 2nd bathroom. Piece...of...cake.

All in all, I do still need a man, are you kidding me? Besides the obvious use of tools which I don't own myself, I can't wait to share my newest expertise in plumbing. Right up my alley.

let there be light

I've had great difficulty finding any good news to write about lately. I seem to have a lot of challenges in my life right now and I don't want to get all whiny on my blog. So, I've been kind of quiet.

But it's probably these times when I need to write the most. Soon I will touch on a couple challenges I've recently conquered, but for now I'll share with you something that's clearly positive...work! (yeah, haven't been able to say that in a while)

After almost 6 years having an office on 'the lower level' (aka the basement), my office has been moved to the ground floor of another building. Not only that, but finally I am sharing with the person I work most closely with. AND we have a beautiful corner office with large windows on 2 sides that overlook a green area, along with high ceilings, fresh paint and carpet. I feel like I've moved to paradise. Oh, correction, this is not quite paradise.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying it.This is our first week in the new office and we both feel a huge change in our disposition. Cannot get over how much light we have! We barely need the fluorescent overheads. I've had to shut my blinds tight because the sunshine was practically blinding me. I thought how cool would it be if I had to wear my sunglasses at work?! This after years of having no clue what the weather was from the moment I went in the office at 8:15 till I came out at 5. Some winter days I never even saw daylight. How grim is that?!

The new surroundings will be a fab way to endure the last few months at this job. Also I had my annual review. Basically my boss said that there is no room for improvement in my current position; I am at the top of my game. She encouraged me to learn SEO and Google adword buying, and if I do, and if I like it, then she will promote me to a management position. That was encouraging, and long overdue. Great news. But I'm still moving to California!

time to tell Maria

I've been waiting for my divorce to go through before I tell my 19 yr old daughter Maria that her sister and I are moving to LA. As we know, the divorce is now a done deal. The ex even reimbursed me (small victory). Now I have the more difficult task ahead of me.

Maria hasn't spoken to me since Christmas when we had a pretty decent time together. She found something to be angry about a couple days later. I've emailed and texted her a bunch of times, none of which she even acknowledged. I am tired of chasing her only to be ignored and I've decided it's not right to beg for her love. And I'm certainly not willing to change who I am or who I love in order to appease her. I'd never ask her to do that for me. Besides it would only be a temporary fix, until her next blow up.

Last time she hung with Christie, apparently she said she doesn't want to see me because I always tell her bad news. I'm not sure what prompted that, but she must feel the news of the move coming...I'm sure of it. I was truly hoping we could have had some nice visits over the last couple months. Unfortunately she avoids me.

I am sad to say that I have not heard Maria's voice or seen her beautiful face since Christmas Day. I know deep down she loves me despite the anger she holds onto, but she has pretty much rejected me.

And now it's going to seem like I am rejecting her. And I am not. I don't ever want her to feel like I'm abandoning her or giving up on our relationship. But she won't see it that way. She won't see that this move is such a good thing for Christie and me. She'll only see what she expects to see--something bad caused by me. She won't see that there's also a great opportunity for her--to come visit LA and learn how fabulous a city it is. My God, it was made for her! And to have a better relationship with both her sister and me, on new terms.

Regardless, I have to do this and I have to trust that she'll come around eventually. I hope that she will come visit us, and we'll have quality visits for the first time in a long time. Maria is my flesh and blood, my first born. She's someone I used to know and touch and be completely fascinated by. I love her, I've learned so much being her mom. There's been such distance between us in the last 5 years and soon there will be 2500 miles more between us.

I don't want her to blame me, or more importantly, to blame herself. I want her to just accept it and see that it is the best thing for each of us.

yay

It was a good week.

Last Sunday to celebrate Valentine's Day I wrote Andy the filthiest email describing myself masturbating while having a fantasy about him. Then I called him and listened to him read it which obviously led to us having hot phone sex. The perfect beginning to a week (for a couple who lives 2500 miles apart).

I made some serious progress on my bathroom renos. I finally chose a floor (4 stores and 18 samples later) and ordered it. AND....get this! I made a life-size template of my bathroom floor out of bristol board. I cut the exact shapes and curves around my tub, cabinet, and door trim in one huge taped-together piece. I will lay this on top of the new piece of vinyl, trace it, cut it and then just drop it into place. Presto! I am a fucking genius.

Wednesday I walked to my mailbox and got a piece of mail I'd been anxiously awaiting. My final divorce papers stamped by the judge. O Happy Day, I am officially divorced! One more major item checked off my to-do list. I'm not sure who was happier...me or Andy. Actually I was. But he was pretty damn happy too.

And he's been selling more paintings than ever, like 8 this week. Things are really happening for him and it's exciting. Now a major clothing line wants to talk to him about doing t-shirts. That could mean big money and awesome exposure in retail outlets across North America. Wow.

Does it get any better? Well, there was our Skype date on Friday. We were a couple of gushy lovers reliving the story of how we met and what we were each thinking without the other one knowing. And we talked about all the things we want to do when we live together in a few months. And then there was the sex...

big promises

I love Andy. His romance is contagious and I'm happy to make his dreams mine.

more rescue

Another dream message from Rob I thought worth telling... He said we were in a small plane and I was preparing to jump. Just before I was ready to take the leap I asked him to get on my back. He asked why would you want me to do that?!?

I said to be my parachute.

cold and lonely

It's been such a wicked cold week and it seems this winter is endless. I am missing my honey. When we Skype I can see the sunshine hitting his face and I am envious. I miss the California sun and heat so much.

Andy is originally from the Northeast so he understands how winter sucks, but he's been living in sunny CA for the last 20 years. Sure, he sympathizes with me, but he doesn't have to dress like an Eskimo for 3 months straight, or drive in this shit, or shovel it. Sometimes that disconnect makes me feel even farther away from him.

Yeah, I'm getting down. We don't know when we're seeing each other next. I hope it's before May when Christie and I go back out to see her school and look for apartments. But May seems like a lifetime away. I need my honey now.

Rob to the rescue

Since Rob did not leave my mind this week, I thought I should reach out and say hello. I was afraid he still wouldn't be ready to see me, but he suggested we go to a local diner for tea. He also mentioned that he had a message for me, from me. Hmmm...

I was surprised at how much I was looking forward to seeing Rob. I have really been missing my friend. I was greeted with a peck on the cheek when I got into his car. Friendly. His eyes had their usual sparkle. He made me take off my sunglasses so he could see mine.

We drank lots of tea and emptied the diner a couple hours later. I was the talkative me, filling him in on my adventures in California, family updates and work dramas. I don't think I talk that much to anyone else. He told me a little bit about the dates he'd been on, but said he hadn't met 'the one' yet. And in case I was wondering, yes, he'd had sex. (Inside I was woohoo-ing, but didn't want to show my excitement.)

So the message he had for me, from me... It was in a dream. I knew it! He said I had called him to come get me in California. He walked into an apartment where I was sitting, crying, amidst a mess. It looked as if the room had been trashed or there had been a bad fight there. He instinctively came over to comfort me. He said that I was relieved to see him, but then in an angry outburst I said to him You knew I shouldn't get married and you didn't tell me!

But apparently my anger turned to romance because I started kissing him and wanting him to make out with me on the couch. He said he told me that it wasn't safe there so he took me and we left.

So that was Rob's dream, and my message to myself. As he told me, I had kind of a wow reaction. Most people would say he had a vested interest in telling me that dream, or embellishing it in order to scare me out of getting too serious with Andy, but I believe Rob told me the dream exactly as he recalled it.

I am not sure how I feel about the message though. I certainly don't feel like Andy has a violent side or would hurt me in any way. The state of the room--had there been an earthquake? Did someone break into our place? But that doesn't explain the anti-marriage message.

Bottom line is that I don't think anyone but me would be able to talk me out of marrying Andy. Of course, I haven't even been asked, so it's completely hypothetical at this point, right? ;)

Rob dropped me off at my house after tea, and I felt content. It was really nice to have caught up with him. I hoped that the aftermath of our visit would sit well with him so we could do it again.

men of my dreams

I'm a big fan of dreaming. I've always been fascinated by them, mine or others'. You may have noticed it's one conversation that people get really excited about.

I have found over the years that I rarely dream about the man I am with. But I will dream about one from my past (or future?). Lately I've been having a bunch of dreams about my ex (Jeff), most likely because he's been causing me grief lately. Those dreams can be pleasant (dreams where we're getting along and things are 'resolved' between us) or downright scary (he's either threatening me or we are having sex--ewwww).

I would much rather dream about Andy, especially about having sex with him, since we are so far apart! Well, strangely enough, Andy crept into my dreams this week.

At first he just existed in the background, kind of matter of fact. But by the 3rd night this week he was naked! And in the same room with us was Rob, also naked. I think we had been throwing around the idea of the 3 of us sleeping together.

I recall Rob was calm, but excited about it. Andy looked disturbed and wanted to go to sleep. And I was apprehensive because of Andy's reaction, not wanting anyone to be upset. All I remember after that point was lying behind Andy (like we do in bed) and I had my hand resting on his ass.

missing

There were 2 things I knew I would miss when I gave up Rob. Well, maybe 3. One was his big cock--along with his sexual finesse, of course! Second was his endless energy to give me TLC. Rob would run his fingers through my hair for hours and touch me in spots that completely relaxed me. And third, I knew I'd miss the depth of conversation we had.

OK, so I'm getting along fine without 1 and 2. Andy and I have a sex life that has ventured into new erotic territory that I find hot hot hot. Not only is it hot, but it's fun, and I want more. I want to know his body better, and I want him to know mine better.

We have potential to grow our sex life into a major and fulfilling part of our lives someday. But it's pretty hard to get there from here. After all, we live 2,500 miles apart. And yeah, I could do with more back rubs, foot rubs and caresses all over. Andy does some of that for sure, but his adoration comes in other forms, mostly in words. And that is something that Rob did not/would not do.

What I am missing most about Rob is the talking. And this hits me hard when I am feeling down. Rob was a phenomenal listener. As well, he knew when to offer advice and when to shut up. He was genuinely interested in my feelings and where they came from. He was empathetic. Sometimes his eyes would fill with tears as he listened to my worries, struggles, whatever.

He didn't hesitate to ask me questions that I would have to go deep inside myself to answer. He exposed me, and I loved that. That was a huge reason for my attraction to Cam, and it turned out to be very addictive. I could only give Cam up if I found that quality somewhere else. And Rob filled the bill.

I haven't delved into my soul (out loud) with anyone in a long time. I miss it. I like when someone knows me inside and out, knows what makes me tick, handles me with care, works me, plays with me. I love going deep emotionally. Someone who forces me to discover things about who I am. It's not only one of my joys in life, I think it might be a necessity.

I really don't know yet if Andy has the ability, or the interest, to go that deep with me. I hope he does. I feel like I've only seen the tip of the iceberg with Andy. But so far I have loved what I've seen, and been impressed by the treasures I've found. He's already so much more than I first thought he was. And I love getting to know him. I guess we just need time.

But for now, who will I go deep with? Will Rob be willing to get together soon? He's been on a hiatus of sorts until he 'gets over me'. Will I find a girlfriend whose ear I could chew off? (girls are so less fun than boys.) Will I blog non-stop till I get it out of my system? Or will I create an issue with Andy just to draw out some more emotion and send us down that road? (sounds treacherous.)

trying week

This has been a yukky week. My California mojo is starting to fade a bit, and PMS is setting in...but it sure seems like one nasty little thing after another has been unfolding since Monday.

I had that disturbing dream about Cam and was left with trace feelings of abandonment. Then Andy told me of this fantastic celebrity charity event he's going to in February, and he asked if I minded if he took one of his models along. I totally trust him of course, I'm just sad that I won't be the one by his side. I want people to see him with me, not some other woman. I am upset by the way I feel inside...it feels so immature of me.

Then I found out that in order to move away with Christie I will probably need a notarized letter from my ex giving his consent. Either that or a court order. That was the biggest downer of all. I cannot imagine Jeff being cooperative in the matter, but I especially don't want to waste money on a lawyer just to have the court state the obvious. Christie def wants to be with me, and she wants to move to LA just as much as I want to.

And yesterday I visited my mom and sister, both who seemed a little off. I felt like it was because of me, or maybe I've just grown paranoid this week? When I mentioned something to my mom about possibly getting married again, she looked completely dumbfounded. That was disturbing.

Though I don't like to admit it, I am influenced by my family's opinion. My mom's dropping jaw wasn't the reaction I had hoped for, but maybe I should just stop and think on it awhile. I am actually a little worried about how both my mom and sister are feeling about my plan to move. It may be time for a sit down, drag it out kind of talk. It may be good practice for the even bigger talk ahead--breaking the news of the move to my ex and especially to my 19-yr-old daughter Maria.

disturbing dream

Shortly after I woke up this morning one of last night's dreams flashed before me. It was about Cam. That always brings with it a lot of emotion and therefore, a lot of significance. Hopefully it won't mess up my whole day. Cam was my deepest love (so far), someone I recognized as a soulmate from age 16, and the only guy I cared about who rejected me.

I dreamed I was in a house (mine), alone, waiting for him to come see me. He currently lives almost as far away from me as Andy does, and he did in my dream too. I think he was 'in town' and we were due to meet.

He finally shows up and I am overflowing with emotion, he seems quite contained. I am expecting that he will stay a long time with me, maybe overnight. Apparently he has other ideas, as he soon declares it's time to go. He says his mother is on her way to pick him up.

He gathers his things. I am panicky because I realize this may be the last time we see each other...ever. This doesn't seem to concern him like it does me. Great disappointment.

We hug. The last thing I remember is a close up of him looking at me, head slightly tilted, those melty blue eyes piercing right through me. It hurts.

The dream mirrors what I fear in this life...that he doesn't care about me the same that I care about him. It seemed too easy for him to walk away from me. But then again he may have done that purposely so that I would, and could, move on.

And I've moved on to something great, something better in many ways. I've met Andy who adores me and wants to be with me every minute that he can. He made it clear from day one that he loves me and that he wants to be by my side for the rest of his life. Andy was not jaded about love like Cam was. He allowed me to dream with him and create our future together.

My contract with Cam may actually be finished. In this lifetime anyway.

almost divorced

With any luck I'll be divorced by Valentine's Day. I filed my final papers to divorce the dickhead on my first day back from LA.

Unfortunately, the closer I get to home base, the more of an asshole he becomes. He must have had a fight with his girlfriend or something. I cannot believe how he still blames me for everything that's wrong in his life. We're talking 5 years that he and I have been separated.

Holy shit. Get over it, man. I can't wait to be done with him. Even better...2500 miles away!

wifey

Wifey is a nickname that one of Andy's associates gave me. I suppose she refers to me that way because he talks about me so much and she realizes how much he loves me. I was very honored to be called 'wifey' and occasionally use that term myself when he and I talk. I like to remind him that I am ready, willing, and able to be his wifey (well, almost able, once my divorce goes through).

Like any girl, I fantasize about the when, where, and how he will ask me to marry him. Because I know he will. And during this trip I decided that I would say yes when the moment comes. I actually thought it might have been this time. And maybe it would have been, but I think I blew it. I don't know, you tell me. This is what happened...

Andy and I were alone in his brother's kitchen getting stuff ready for a family dinner. His mom had just returned from the grocery store and happened to buy me an apartmental rental book for the LA area. It kind of warmed my heart knowing that she wanted me to move there to be with her son.

We'd been drinking and I was feeling pretty good and a little loose lipped by then. I mentioned to him how nice it made me feel that his mom wanted me to live with him. He said yeah, she's just always wanted me to be happy. She even gave me my great grandmother's wedding ring and said 'I don't care what you do with this. I just want you to be happy.'

I pictured him using it to propose to his (first) wife 15 years ago. Knowing that that didn't last more than a year, I very stupidly blurted out well you fucked that up, didn't ya? Immediately after hearing it come out of my mouth I wanted to edit. I just sat down and then it was quiet for a few seconds.

Andy said no, I mean she gave it to me on this trip to which I meekly replied....oh...

Then I am sure I turned beet red as I buried my face in the apartment book. My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach which was suddenly on fire. How could I be so embarrassed and excited at the same time? Andy added I wondered why you were so non-plussed about it.

Oh...I said again. I was frozen, speechless.

Eventually I recovered and acted like nothing had happened. The rest of the night went fine. Dinner was great, the next glass of wine was great. I kept feeling my heart flutter every time I imagined him giving me the ring. But it didn't happen. Not that night. Not the next. Not on this trip.

I'm ok with it. Sure, it would have been nice to have, but I can't actually picture him giving me an antique family ring. It's just not his style. And maybe he's not in such a hurry as he seems to be. So it's ok to wait. But I keep wondering what would have happened had I acted (and spoken) differently.

the art of mayhem

The day after I arrived in LA, Andy's art show was to open. I was pretty excited to be a part of this, to see his work on display (other than in a store) and have people admire it like I do.

As usual, I hardly slept at all my first night there. I was in a bit of a stupor, not as sharp or as patient as usual. OK, so I'll just roll with it...

I helped Andy load the paintings into his car, and carry them into the gallery. While we waited for the installer to show up, we peeked at the space he was allocated for the show. There were 2 long white walls opposite each other, one about 15' and one about 30'. He had brought 6 paintings. And they weren't the big ones. A few choice thoughts popped into my head about what I would have done differently, but I didn't say a word.

The installer showed up and asked him for the plaques of the artist bio and painting titles--you know, the ones that are posted right below each painting in a gallery. Nope, none of that was done. He had misunderstood the instructions from the gallery. Or maybe he didn't read them?? I was secretly freaking inside, but again, I didn't say a word. This is his show, his career, and who am I to say...

So it turns out he needs to get this shit done, and fast, before the installer leaves for the day. He had like 2 hours to pull it all together. And guess who bailed him out? Yes, the organized one. Dinamo saved the day. We drove back to his apartment, I typeset the bio and the titles, and we ran to a print shop and waited while we had them printed and plaqued. We ran everything back to the gallery within the 2 hours and it was a done deal. The show looks great. A little sparse, but great.

Once the crisis was over I had time to feel my feelings about what had happened. This was a new experience, to feel this way towards Andy. I really didn't mind helping him out, but I guess I was annoyed that his poor planning suddenly became my emergency. It also happened to bump my appointment with the first high school I was looking at for Christie. I'd already moved the time once because of Andy, and now I had to call the director of admissions back and postpone till the next day. I was embarrassed.

I dreaded to think that Andy didn't realize how important that appointment was to me. I also worried that he would continue to depend on me to bail him out. I am such a girl scout, always prepared in advance. It's how I avoid anxiety. He waits till the last minute and flies into creative mode. Not...my...style.

In the end he thanked me, but did not apologize. However, he has sold a painting every day since that show opened, which is pretty damned cool. So, although he may not do things the way that I would, I cannot deny that he knows what he's doing. And I admire him for his business sense.

I, on the other hand, will exert my gentle influence once I am in his life full time. I can already see ways that he can maximize his opportunities, and be better prepared. Like reading things through and writing things down instead of trusting them to memory. Though I think I know better, I have to be very careful. I never want to 'break the artist'. He's golden. And I love him that way.