back...but not for long

Dinamo misses you! I have been in LA playing with Andy and planning a life! I arrived back east late last night, snow and ice to greet me. I thought this is all wrong. The look on my face as I stepped outside the airport probably said it best.

I have already moved to LA, mentally at least. I feel I no longer belong here. This was where the old me lived. The stuck me.

I've since met great people, my new comrades, dear and fascinating friends of Andy who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms. Anything you need, anything at all, you can depend on us. Who says that??!?!

Record breaking temperatures appeared just in time for my visit. It was heavenly. My first 5 minutes out of LAX I was hyperventilating over blooming flowers in mid-January, and driving with the windows rolled down at midnight. Why would anyone ever choose to leave this place willingly?

Andy and I had a whole week alone to explore life together, to look at schools for Christie, to sleep as late as we wanted, and to fuck in every room if we damn well pleased. And we took full advantage.

Highlights of the trip will be coming to you in the next while as I reminisce via blogland.

3 days to California

Here we are again...on the brink of a lovers' reunion. I'm going to get on a plane and go see my honey in a few days!

LA is supposed to be the warmest spot in the continental US next week. I'm looking forward to some sunshine and heat...and some very hot lovin'.

Besides reconnecting with Andy, what's my mission on this trip? I'll be visiting 3 high schools as potential schools for Christie in the Fall. I'm also hoping that Andy and I can check out a few neighborhoods, to see what they feel like, how livable they might be for the 3 of us, even look at some apartments to get a feel for what our money can buy.

And my darling will be turning 50. Holy shit, it's hard to believe he's 50. Man, we look damn good for our age. I hope he has a good birthday. I always wished I could do something spectacular for him--like take him to Paris--but I'll have to thrill him in other ways. And I have a few ideas.

gifts unopened

Christie's Christmas presents for her dad are still sitting on my kitchen counter. It's sad, really.

There was an early holiday celebration on my ex's side of the family, which Christie went to, but since she didn't have his presents wrapped that early, she didn't take them along. Then Christmas Day came and went. As far as I know, he didn't call her. Not sure how hard she tried to call him. Usually when I ask her to call him, she says he's never home, and that he doesn't text her back.

She says she doesn't want to be around him, that he doesn't even know her, and she wonders why I ever chose him (to marry and be her father). She says she wants Andy to be her father. That part is not sad to me. The fact that her own dad has missed the opportunity to connect with such a fantastic kid is what is sad.

He really blew it a few years ago when he behaved like a 2 year old, cursing under his breath at her, at women in general, throwing things, slamming doors. Christie got so upset at the way he treated her, and the words that he uttered, that she decided not to spend her 3 days/week at his house anymore. In fact she called me that night from his house and begged me to come and pick her up. And that's probably why she doesn't make an effort to stay in touch with him. That I do understand.

I wonder if he has any regrets. I wonder how he'll react to the news that she and I are moving to California. Will he accuse me of taking his daughter away from him? That would certainly be a twisted accusation, but it seems likely nevertheless.

a most peculiar dream

Last night I dreamed I was swimming with Rob and my dog Snoop. This is strange for a couple reasons. My dog was/is terrified of water. And I never ever dream of Rob. But I found it interesting that I dreamed of 2 beings who I care greatly for and who have recently disappeared from my life.

I think it was also symbolic that I was swimming with them, because water, in my dreams, means love.

I remember the dream like a movie. My little dog walked straight down a boat launch that dropped steeply into the water. I recall feeling slightly panicked that he would drown, but soon enough I saw him rise to the surface doing the doggie-paddle (how apropos). He was also smiling! :)

Rob took a run off the end of the dock and jumped in feet first, making a splash. I waded in, and although the water was a bit cold, I started to swim out. Rob and I didn't interact much in my dream. In fact, I don't think we ever touched. I can't help wonder the relevance of our different entries into the water (love). I would actually say that it is the opposite of what I have experienced, knowing myself and Rob.

I clearly remember sitting on the dock afterwards and my dog (looking even smaller when wet) climbing up to be close to me. He was very snuggly and needy, and it felt good to have him close as we dried off in the sun.

Later in the dream I was showing Rob how I could bounce from wall to wall without ever touching the ground. That ability to float/travel above the ground is recurring in my dreams, and it's so fun that I wish I could do it in real life! It's kind of like how you push yourself away from a pool's edge underwater and the momentum just carries you. In my dreams I do it a few feet above the ground. Way cool. Rob was watching me, somewhat amused. And then the dream was over.

i resolve

1. I resolve the same thing every year--nope, not to lose weight. To drink more often! Drinking is good for me. And I ain't talking water.

2. To clean my oven. I confess, it's been 3 1/2 years. I must put an end to my procrastination and just get in there. Ewww...

3. To spend more time with my sister and mother (before I move away). Since Rob decided not to see me anymore I am in need of a friend to hang out with. Who better than my sister and mother? Especially since I already like them!

4. I've saved the biggest and hardest till last (wish it was a penis). Anyway, I realized I must change the way I feel about my financial situation. I am forever feeling poor. This is all wrong because I am by no means poor. I have a cushy little nest egg, I just refuse to spend it. And it is a fact that I need and deserve a better paying job. It has kept me from getting ahead the last 5 years. That's all part of the plan of moving, and starting over. Moving to a new location is the perfect opportunity to change other habits.

I am so looking forward to this year, for myself and for Christie.

my top 10 of 2010

It's time for my top 10 moments of 2010. I love this part of the year. It's like being a kid on Halloween night. You know, when you dump the heaping bag of candy onto the livingroom floor, and say holy shit! Here I lay out all the gifts I've received. I look at them and just marvel at the blessings the year brought. Here goes...

#10 - Reconnecting with my old friend and mentor Wendy. What a fabulous summer party at a waterfront mansion. Aside from the glam venue, free-flowing wine and food, she made me feel good about myself again when I really needed it.

#9 - More blog action. Not only did I collect a few more followers, but they started talking to me. Love you guys. Blogging is therapy for me. And yours are quite entertaining.

#8 - My witch of a boss finally mellowed after 2 years. She now treats me with respect and I don't dread going into her office. Why the change? She went for life coaching after breaking up with her fiance. She came out a different person. Thank you, God!

#7 - Making my dad happy. Seeing him smile, inspiring him.

#6 - Feeling the joy of watching Andy paint, feeling his joy of painting. A preview to our life together.

#5 - The night Andy first told me I was 'such a good girl'. Oh man, that was one dirty night of sex. He now has a fetish for that black skirt.

#4 - Taking Christie to LA. Being able to take my daughter on a trip like this meant a lot to me. As a single mother struggling to make ends meet, how terrific it felt to fly us across the country to be in the same town where her beloved Jonas Brothers live, see the Pacific Ocean, Hollywood, palm trees. It was perfect. Pat on the back for Mom.

#3 - The moment when I knew. After a year of waffling between Rob and Andy (sometimes on a daily basis), I was finally able to decide with certainty which guy I wanted to spend my life with. And strangely enough I committed myself to him in a Target parking lot. Since that day I've never looked back. :D

#2 - Walking down Santa Monica Blvd. in my pyjamas. The first night of vacation anywhere is usually pretty magical. You're high on adrenaline from having arrived safely, you've escaped the daily grind, and you're at the beginning of a week of good times. This night was phenomenal. It spelled freedom. I remember the overwhelming feeling of I have arrived as I found myself discovering a great city, hand in hand with a great man.

#1 - Top honors go to the night that Christie and I went to see Jonny Lang. A hot summer night, an outdoor concert next to the water, one of my favorite musicians ever. These are the ingredients of an awesome night. But what sent it over the top was seeing Christie fall for Jonny (and his guitar) as much as I did. We connected in a new way, she saw a different side of me that she respected , maybe even admired, and I truly felt like I'd done a good thing. Not to mention that I TOUCHED him...holy shit. I'm still wowing over that one.

bye bye beagle

I said goodbye to my velvet-eared friend today. He's in a new home. The long awaited day has come. My neighbors will no longer be able to complain about his incessant barking every time we leave him alone after dark. And Christie and I can now go out somewhere together without taking the dog or worrying about a nasty note being left in our front door.

Yesterday the decision of 'when' was made, followed by tears of guilt. I treated him like golden dog all day. I took him on a special walk through the woods. I looked him in the eyes and told him that everything was gonna be all right. I let him sleep on my bed and wrapped my arm around him, petted him extra special.

Today I moved him and all his stuff to the new place, but I was much happier. I know the people who he'll now live with. They want him, and they really love dogs. Snoop eagerly ran into their house, proceeded to sniff everything, and danced around seemingly up for the new adventure. Or at least that's how I chose to see it.

There are things I am going to miss about Snoop. I know that he did his very best. And I hope he knows that I did mine.

christmas eve

I'm blessed to have spent Christmas Eve with both my girls. I rarely see Maria anymore. 19 and living at her dad's, her priorities are clubbin' and, luckily, doing well in university. If you didn't already know, she and I have a history of a very stressed relationship. When she does come over, I feel it is actually to see her sister (Christie, 15) and the dog (Snoop, 9), not me.

I don't expect hugs, kisses, or I love you's from Maria. She doesn't welcome those things from me either, which used to hurt a lot, but now it just hurts a little for a short time. I am just grateful if there is peace and respect. On Christmas Eve it should be easy to get along. And we did.

The biggest compliment to me was that she chose to spend the night here and sleep over. It felt nice...complete...to have her back in the house, make up her bed again for her, cook for her. To be able to have them both wake up here on Christmas morning makes a mama smile.

:D

just do it

There's something to be said for spontaneity.

best friends no more

Last weekend when Rob and I were hanging out he suggested he'd like to take me out to dinner for my birthday this week. I really hadn't expected anything like that, but I said sure.

The day before my birthday he called me at work. He said he'd found the right screws to hang my curtain rod, but asked what I was going to do next. When I suggested he might like to come over and help me hang it I got some attitude in a snarky little comment about the kind of relationship we have now. I tried to laugh it off as nothing.

Then he said he'd rather go out to dinner another night to celebrate my birthday because after all, we'd just seen each other and there really wouldn't be that much to talk about. That didn't sit right with me, but I certainly wasn't going to insist.

Back onto the curtain rod issue and he said he'd come over that night to have a look. After we hung up, I felt very strange. I got more and more disappointed about the birthday dinner cancellation, then I felt angry. All these feelings came out of nowhere and before I knew it I was on the verge of tears. Couldn't explain it at the time.

An hour later I received an email from him saying he needed to get something off his chest. It had really bothered him the other night at my place when he heard me say I love you to Andy on the phone. Although he understood it all, he was angry in being reminded that our relationship was going to be ending in a matter of months. And since then he's had a hard time feeling very giving towards me. He added that he didn't feel like coming to my house that night either.

In my volatile state, I fired back an email stating that I didn't think he'd been very giving in a long time. I implied that I had reason to be angry too, and that maybe this friendship just wasn't working out anymore. I left it at that.

It took several days to unravel my feelings. I realized there were a few matters that got all tangled together, and they shouldn't have.

I felt bad that he was hurt because of what I'd said to Andy on the phone. Andy was a little insensitive at the time by fishing for reassurance when he knew Rob was within earshot. But I made the choice to protect Andy's feelings at Rob's expense.

Speaking of Rob's expense, I think he's been stingy lately. And that's what I've been kind of pissed about. I've been generous in sharing my homemade soup with him, my vino, and buying him a Christmas gift (when we don't normally exchange). Yet when we went out to a movie and for drinks a couple weeks ago, we each paid our own way. And then he let me leave the tip! He makes more than double what I do, and I find that just plain cheap, not to mention bad manners.

I felt like blasting him when all these feelings welled up. But I didn't. I can't help but feel like he's been manipulating me. I end up feeling bad for every little favor I ask of him. And wouldn't friends just do those things for each other? It's like he's got to keep driving the point that since we are not lovers I have to pay for my share of everything. Buck up pal and be a man. Every other male friend of mine pays, even when I offer to.

OK, so I'm bitchin and meanwhile I'm hearing you stand in his defense. And you know, I'll take it, I understand I made my bed, now I gotta lie in it. The man is hurt, and has given me way more than expected, and certainly more than any other man would have given under the same circumstances. But I never coerced him. He always had the freedom to make choices, to stay or to go. Now he's hurt. Maybe to the point that he can no longer be my friend.

Tonight I went to his house to give him his gift. We had our usual 'catch up' conversation. Then he talked about one of the dates he'd gone on last week (after our incident). The girl he was out with confronted him about still being in love with me. He couldn't deny it.

Rob knows he has an issue. He says he's fine when he's not around me, he can get on with his life. But he really looks forward to our time together, and then when we are together, he is still so attracted. And he gets sucked right back in. I am not attracted in that way. So he is left sad, unfulfilled and in recovery mode after we've been together. If he was invoved with someone else, we'd be on a somewhat level playing field. But it pretty much kills his chances to advance any other relationship if he's still hooked on me. So he needs me out of his life. And that's what he asked for tonight. I've lost my best friend.

best friends

Rob and I hung out last night. We opened a bottle of wine, sat on my couch and talked. Time can sure fly when we do that sort of thing. It's good to talk to Rob. We cover lots of territory and I'm to the point where I can pretty much talk about anything with him, except detail on Andy, of course. But that's out of respect.

Rob asks some pretty provocative questions and gets me thinking. He is the inner voice of reason at all times. Which is good, if reason is what you're looking for. It's hard for him to understand that I might not always be looking for reason, or the other fine qualities he possesses. He still can't quite comprehend why I would have given up such a great love as ours (and chosen Andy).

If he could have witnessed Andy and me on that first day/night together, he would know. If he could have seen how I was moved by Andy's total abandon, his confession of love, and willingness to put his heart on the line once again with no guarantees. It was that, and Andy's brilliance with words, that won me over. I'd been looking for someone to inspire me towards a new level of growth, and Andy was the one. I admire so many things about him.

But those are things I can't tell Rob because they'd just be too damn painful to hear. He's better left wondering. Don't you think? So now Rob continues to ponder the what if's while I have completely accepted the fact that it wasn't ever quite right for a reason. Let's not think about fixing it.

I have moved on to life with Andy. I still have love for Rob, but not desire. I still crave time with him, more for the conversation of a good friend and because he knows me so well, is familiar with my history and is the perfect person to bounce ideas off of. His hugs are still great. And I choose not to think about his physical attributes for fear that I might remember them all too well.

Rob is starting to date again. He hasn't found anyone quite as wonderful as me yet (his words), but he's in a good place emotionally. He's not pining over me and we can still hang out and be friends without jeopardizing my new relationship. Best friends, in fact.

today

Drinking wine...brain tired from today's 3 hour exam...I'm all thunk out...skyped with Andy and was reminded of how loved I am...and the life I am going to have...I hear the tappity-tap of the dawg's long nails across the floor...is he tap dancing?...the cold wind blows the snow sideways outside and I thank God I am inside wrapped in this blanket, the large glass of magic by my side...tomorrow shitloads of Christmas cookies will be made...family traditions, what's left of them as the daughters grow up and roll their eyes at 'old peoples' tradition...they'll remember one day when their little ones come...it's ok, Mom gets the last laugh...life is good today.

i like people...

who are passionate about something and want to share it, not force it

who are extremely talented in some way yet humble

who understand human relationships

who are fascinated with the workings of the opposite gender

who like to go deep

who are flirtatious

who appreciate the little things the most

with a sweet disposition, especially when they are very old

who admittedly don't know everything and want to hear what you know

in the catbird seat

Things are happening! I'm in a really good place right now. The most recent stress of my online course is coming to an end, plus I'll be acing the course which also makes me happy pappy. Yesterday I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping. My divorce is well underway--I should be able to file all the paperwork with the court late next week AND my ex has agreed to pay for it. Andy is recovering nicely from the trauma of his mugging last week. He got a lead on a great building with a bunch of 2 bedroom apartments available...in our price range and in a great location at the base of the Hollywood Hills. And I made contact this week with 3 possible schools for Christie and already have 2 appointments set to meet with counselors when I go there in January. I love when my hard work pays off.

:P !!!

mo dirty from Andy

I don't know where Andy gets these shots, and I really don't want to know. But I do like how he continues to send them to me to remind me of how delicious and dirty our sex life is. In this one I love how she's grabbing the guy's hair. But I bet he loves it even more.